Self Control

Self Control?  Do some people lack it or do they use excuses not to use it? Sex and self control.  At first I had doubts that I had much control over my sexual activities but I meditated and realized I willingly give in.  Internally, I have been struggling with my desires.  I've had that problem in the past.  I have certainly made decisions or planned my day or weekend around activities where the main event was fucking.  "Oh what are you doing this weekend?" My response, "Hanging out with so and so." which clearly means, I'll be fucking all weekend so Do Not Disturb.  My friends know me to well.  Crazy cause they are all "trained" to not call.  Unbelievable. *sighs*

I feel boring now like I'm lacking excitement.  I don't want to think that because I am not participating in sexcapades is the reason that I'm feeling this way.  I mean I am having an awesome time taking myself out but I need an adrenaline rush.  Maybe if I bungee jump or repel down a tower I'll feel that again.

I used to think that I had a sexual addiction but in reality I have an adrenaline addiction.  Just that some sex is fun, taboo, casues pain & leaves marks, exciting, thrilling, etc.  Anal sex is always fun.  Oral sex is always enjoyable on men and women :-D 

I've been trying to read and redirect my focus from the physical in a relationship.  Reading about lust, dating vs. courting, and religion.  Trying to maintain control and not let it be in the forefront.  But I like sex.  If I had my way I would be on my knees every day. Begging. Pleasing. Satisfying.  Is that too much? Sometimes I think that makes it old. Routine.  -_- I remember my ex told me when the discussion came up, he would tell all the other husbands that he never had a lack of sex problem at home.  Ha!

In all honesty, I force myself to maintain control because I have no one to lose control on. The problem is not gone. All it takes is a simple spark . Pandora's box is reopened.