Okay so I am freaking out big time. Google is a curse. I swear sometimes, I go on there to get an explanation and I end up being scared for my life. Yeah, that’s a bit extra but that is me.
I am in tune with my body, I know it’s schedule, what it looks like, feels like, smells, like, and tastes like. When something is off, I take my butt to the doctor. No delays. In fact the only delay there is, is waiting for my scheduled visit. DAYS!!! Argh! Meanwhile, I’ll Google and Google some more to see what the heck is going on, like I can type my symptoms so I can get an answer and tell the doctor what they should be looking for. Yep, Google hands out medical degrees.
I can’t sleep and can’t focus on anything but those damn search results. In my mind those are real results. I am so paranoid. For what? Shit is not normal. I’m pissed. I’m even scared. I can’t let LiveStrong.com and Cigna.com do this to me. Too late.
I don’t understand, every time I go to the doctor, test results come out fine and I am in good health. Then my doctor acts like she wants to recruit me to be a breeder. Keeps asking me when I am having more kids. I really think if she was a man, she would try to impregnate me. Nah, just kidding. (my little funny). Shit is so bogus. What if I can’t have anymore kids? Now that would sound ridiculous to my friends since I already started a family but maybe I am not done. Maybe I will get remarried and want children with my future husband. Imagining being with someone and telling them, I can’t have kids is somewhat on the depressing side and I don’t want to think about it but I can’t get the thought out of my head.
What I have cancer? That is my number one fear. It is kind of alarming that when I was younger, I thought I would not live past my young adulthood due to some type of cancer. I pray that isn’t true. Gosh, I hate that my family has these visions that ALWAYS become a reality. Super stressed! Trying to relax my appointment isn’t until three more days. DA PHUCK! That is a long ass time. I can’t go on mind trips that long. So dramatic. It may be nothing. That is what it turned out to be last time. Nothing!!! What if the doctor made a mistake and overlooked something. Maybe it was something after all. >_<
Man, since Saturday night, I have been freaking out. When he fell asleep on my lap, I reached for my phone and Googled. I felt so sick to my stomach…….sometime after 2:00am, I dragged myself to join him in bed. I felt less than a woman. I wanted to me physically intimate to the fullest but couldn’t. Now I just don’t want to be touched at all. Tossed and turned all night with no real sleep. Then somewhere around 7:30, I realized I just wanted to be held. King must have felt me staring at him because he woke up , looked at me and wrapped his arm around me and scooped me right into him. I love that feeling. I didn’t go back to sleep but I just enjoyed that feeling.
Didn’t sleep last night. Woke up around 3:00am, rolled around, played with phone, and continued to have cat naps until I decided I couldn’t push the time to get up any further. Late, again. Smh.
Soon as I got to work today, I made that appointment. Did my part. Boom!
Just have to wait. I usually like to be prepared for all outcomes but this time I don’t know what I would do. I keep asking myself, if it is something serious would I do traditional medicine? That mess kills you at a slow death? Would I be selfish to my family and go the non-traditional route? Is it fair to them? I guess these are things that I should have thought of before I needed to think of them. What would happen to my kids? Would they be kept away from my parents or each other? I don’t know why I am thinking of this stuff now. I wish I had thought all of this out when I planned the life insurance portion!!!
I don’t like to think of the worst but I need some type of explanation. I need answers. Normal test results or not, I need an answer why. I’m already stressed thinking I have a thyroid problem or something to explain my weight gain. King is right; I am just not exercising enough. Still going to get my levels checked though, it’s time for an annual physical anyway.
I don’t know. The thought of being sick and trying to start a life with someone is selfish to me. I would rather they find someone else.
I want to leave a legacy. I believe that before God calls us that we have a purpose to fulfill. I don’t know His design but I don’t feel like done anything remarkable enough at this point. Or maybe I have but just don’t know it yet. Folks are always telling me that they admire my strength. I feel that I am a strong person but I am also tired. Like geesh, when can I get a break? Always going through.
Well, hopefully all goes well. Of course, in three days, I will go to the doctor and then they will say we will call you with the results if something is wrong. Which means more waiting. No! How about I wait here for the results or you call me no matter what. It doesn’t matter. I always end up calling and they say, “everything is fine, your body corrected/healed it’s self. Let nature take its course”. Hmmm, well according to Google it is abnormal aka unnatural” sigh, whatever.
If I had leave to waste, I would just go and lie in bed and watch glee until it was time for my appointment. Since I can’t, I’ll fake the funk and act like my mind is racing like an express Amtrak.
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