Manipulation: I don't like it

The tiniest of seed planted during the proper season, in the perfect location, can manifest tremendously. 

Obviously, I'm in I don't trust that broad mood today.

I need cheesecake fantasy to make me happy right now. I'm trying to get those Angela Basset abs tho. ACCESS DENIED! She is so beautiful. 

Exercising clears my thoughts. I'll jog after work. 

Private Thoughts

When did my bDsm blog become my diary. Shoot, I need a release. I wonder if I can block people from reading. Let me stop. *sighs* they probably lost the link anyway. Hopeful. Lol. I'm a mess. 

Anywho. I guess it's all intertwined but what stands in the forefront has shifted it's tone. One can only respect and love it. It's just the direction I am being pulled. I have to submit to it. 

Simmer then bring to a broil. Cover and reduce heat

I feel like she is provoking me. Out of respect I ignore it. At times I lose focus and my tongue gets slick. I need my hands slapped. I think it's best to remove MYSELF from the situation.  I'm not up for the BS. 

In all things

Trusting

How did I end up so vulnerable. Only prayer and His guidance will protect me. 

In the tub thinking

I miss him. 

I'm not referring to physical presence (although I do) but mostly mental. Spiritual. 

There has been many Sundays where I wanted us to attend service together. My ideas/plans don't work out that way. 

Meeting my family and friends. Well, mainly my best friend an my dad. Shoot, I can barely catch up with MY dad. I was glad he even answered the phone today and I got to talk to him. 

People that are important to me. 

I miss out discussions and our questions for each other. I could initiate that more. 

I'm just wondering 

Self Control

Self Control?  Do some people lack it or do they use excuses not to use it? Sex and self control.  At first I had doubts that I had much control over my sexual activities but I meditated and realized I willingly give in.  Internally, I have been struggling with my desires.  I've had that problem in the past.  I have certainly made decisions or planned my day or weekend around activities where the main event was fucking.  "Oh what are you doing this weekend?" My response, "Hanging out with so and so." which clearly means, I'll be fucking all weekend so Do Not Disturb.  My friends know me to well.  Crazy cause they are all "trained" to not call.  Unbelievable. *sighs*

I feel boring now like I'm lacking excitement.  I don't want to think that because I am not participating in sexcapades is the reason that I'm feeling this way.  I mean I am having an awesome time taking myself out but I need an adrenaline rush.  Maybe if I bungee jump or repel down a tower I'll feel that again.

I used to think that I had a sexual addiction but in reality I have an adrenaline addiction.  Just that some sex is fun, taboo, casues pain & leaves marks, exciting, thrilling, etc.  Anal sex is always fun.  Oral sex is always enjoyable on men and women :-D 

I've been trying to read and redirect my focus from the physical in a relationship.  Reading about lust, dating vs. courting, and religion.  Trying to maintain control and not let it be in the forefront.  But I like sex.  If I had my way I would be on my knees every day. Begging. Pleasing. Satisfying.  Is that too much? Sometimes I think that makes it old. Routine.  -_- I remember my ex told me when the discussion came up, he would tell all the other husbands that he never had a lack of sex problem at home.  Ha!

In all honesty, I force myself to maintain control because I have no one to lose control on. The problem is not gone. All it takes is a simple spark . Pandora's box is reopened.