Private Thoughts

When did my bDsm blog become my diary. Shoot, I need a release. I wonder if I can block people from reading. Let me stop. *sighs* they probably lost the link anyway. Hopeful. Lol. I'm a mess. 

Anywho. I guess it's all intertwined but what stands in the forefront has shifted it's tone. One can only respect and love it. It's just the direction I am being pulled. I have to submit to it. 

My First Time

When He grabbed me and whispered in my ear what He was going to do to me, my eyes widened and all I could say was yes Daddy. I knew it was coming but I was not expecting Him to remind me of all the punishments past I was going to get.
Silly of me to think Master lead me into the bathroom to shower away the dirt from my long bus ride. Now I know with water comes wet skin and even after I dry off my skin is still damp. Perfect skin for a good caning.
BASTINADO, I do not like but I deserve it. Deserve it for acting like I was in control. Only a few licks and feeling the rope tighten and pulled around my neck were enough for me to get my shit together. A few licks was what I needed to get my mind right get my breathing together and focus less on the pain and more on what I was told to do. In and out of focus I buried my head in the bed and gripped the sheets. As I opened my eyes and turned my head everything changed. At that moment I felt like a beast, His beast. Being an obedient pet obeying His command. Listening to His voice as I was told, complying, not moving from my position. With each hit I stared at how beautiful He was. How hard He was and how much He leaked. With each hit I saw that He liked and my mouth began to water. He fed His pet while continuously caning her. I heard it, I felt it, my body accepted it. I wanted my flesh to bleed. I wanted to open my legs and feel a strike against my pussy. I didn't want Him to stop but He did. My ass was on fire and I felt the heat even more when the blows began to come from His hand.(I want to cum right now). I never felt this before. I felt like I was watching myself. I felt the hits but the pain didn't bother me. I was just hungry and I continued to enjoy all that He was giving and I enjoyed it. I thanked Him for getting me to this point.
Now that was the short story to my first time reaching subspace.
Through Him I grow He is my sculptor and has the best in mind for me. He says I am His queen but yet I feel I have much more to work towards before I can be crowned. Every queen is beside her king. Every slave kneels by their Master. Every woman is the support for her man. Greatness is what I seek and the path of enlightenment is what I pursue. Growth is what we all need. I have grown, He has grown, W/we have grown together and I wouldn't want it any other way.

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No words

I am so busy at work right now but hey, when am I never busy.  I have to make this diary entry like right now.

I’m sitting here on the toilet at work lubed up pushing my plug in my ass and texting Daddy.  Yes I can multi-task.  And then it happened.  But first let me explain this Evo phone, when you receive a text message only the first line comes across your screen and you have to open the inbox to read the rest of the message.  So when I see “It has been a pleasure” my mind started racing I immediately started to think OMG it’s been a pleasure BUT.  You know what that but means I don’t even have to explain what bad things are said after but.  Wait a minute there was no BUT, my mind is moving to fast.  I slow down and open the inbox and read the rest of the message.  I feel the tears form behind my eyes.  I take deep breaths and continue reading.  While sitting here holding my phone in one hand and my plug in the other I noticed my hands were shaking.  I am really emotional right now but this is good.  I smile.

I can hardly wait till the next time my Master asks for me to come back up to Him.  Yes, I said Master. <bites bottom lip, tears>  I am still shaking, I can feel my heart through my chest.  I can’t believe my body is reacting like this.  I can’t even explain, there are no words to explain.  Just facial expressions, tears, and shaky hands. 

I push the plug, in send my Master a pic and go to my desk to let my emotions take over.

Friday, October 22, 2010

This date, this stamp in time will be remembered.  This is the day that I have been waiting for the past few weeks.  Today I am meeting the man that I am giving myself to.  The man that I trust with my fears and insecurities.

Today is the beginning of my weekend training. This weekend I will open up and be myself completely. I will be humble and I am ready to learn and grow with my Dom.

It feels like such a long wait but patience was necessary.  I’m like a new college student ready to learn and looking forward to the experiences that await me.  I am so excited to finally see him, feel him.  To hear his voice and watch his lips move as the words come out. To put a smile on his face because he likes what he sees in front of him.  I feel like I am being reunited with a loved one that I lost connection with in the past and I am eager to start over and rebuild.

I want to get a better understanding of this lifestyle and be able to put all my readings into perspective and relate with my own experiences which I will later share.

Although I may not get an answer so soon; I want to understand the reason for our connection and our overall purpose for coming together.