Still Emotional

So I'm still feeling emotional right now. My Dom told me to just wait till next time to come see Him. I didn't even get a chance to explain that I had worked it all out. His word is final. I'm not even gonna talk back or act out. Just simply yes Daddy. Now I'm even more sad and the tears won't stop. I really hate being all emotional and feel like I need to get some things off my chest but I think talking about it would sound more complicated than it really is. Or isn't it? I have not a care in the world right now was jus laying here while I let my child cover my face wit my satin mask. I'm glad cause she couldn't see my tears. Then I figured I would blog again but I didn't really want to. What else no other outlet so hey.

I am really worried that He won't want me anymore because I have a lot with me so many obstacles. I need to distract my mind. I was thinking bout shopping but that is so wasteful. Tomorrow is $1 day at all the museums maybe I'll take my child and we can enrich our minds and learn something new.

Either way I cant stay where I'm at. I've been told to DO me now I have nothing to DO and nowhere to GO better yet nothing I WANT to DO at this point. I just wanted to GO to New York and DO what a good sub is supposed to DO.

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UGGGGGGH!

I am placed with so many obstacles that I have to overcome them.  When you really want something you make it happen but this time I haven't figured out a way yet.  I think when I get off of work I'm just going to crawl in my bed and go to sleep.  I'm feeling lower than low right nowand I am feeling the tears coming.  I don't like to cry in front of other people especially at work. I have to put on my straight face.  Everytime I don't get what I want I get bitchy and it's not PMS.  Eventhough my cycle has been going on for over a week.  UGH! I swear I hope my Dom does not think that I am unable to commit to him because of my obstacles.  Damn there goes the tears.  This is my life.
All I keep hearing in my head, you're a blessing and a curse.  That's what my Dom used to say to me. Right now I feel cursed when I should be blessed for everything that I have.  *sniffs*  My body temperature is finally coming down.  I was so mad I had to cut on the fan.  I really think one day I may spontaneously combust.  I need to learn how to stay calm.  But I still feel worthless *wipes eyes* Sometimes I just want to run away but I am not a quitter nor do I abandon those who NEED me.  But damn what about what I need.  Maybe I'm just acting like a 28 year old brat.  Is that possible?
I'm trying to focus on my meditation right now but when I close my eyes I just feel my heart thumping in my chest, it hurts.  These tears are making me upset even more, weakness. worthless.
Now I'm rambling.