My love for Him almost seems indescribable with words. Saying I love you doesn't hold the same weight as I feel. It's a fraction. I don't want this to be the feeling of the"new stage" but in reality it isn't new. W/we aren't new. As the seasons change W/we become seasoned. More mature in O/our love. Submission is easier 

One day I will fully open up and you will be engulfed in my passion.

-Scorpio Woman

I need to put my Under Construction and to work on some things.  Change the tone.  Instead of always blogging on here when I am upset.  I decided to write those feelings down with pen and paper.  I want to keep this blog focused on experiences, desires, and wants.

Teamwork & Encouragement.

Last Sunday, King and I completed a 5K obstacle mud run.  When King initially told me that He was going to sign up for the race, I was in full support mode.  I wanted to be there on the sidelines cheering Him on and there to congratulate Him for His hard work when he He finished.  When He asked if I would do it with Him, I had thought, that would be an even better opportunity to support Him.  By His Side!

I wanted us to be both mentally and physically ready to tackle this challenge together.  I admit, I did not know what to expect during this obstacle run.  I knew that I didn't want to get muddy but that was minor in comparison to the other challenges listed in the race.

Leading up to the event, I was so proud that King had taken the initiative to search out and sign up for the mud run.  It showed me a lot of things in regards to His openness to try new things, steps to better health, and His determination to get it done by sticking to His word. 

We had a few goals; complete the race, with no injuries, within an hour.  Boo-Yow! We accomplished them all!

I didn't anticipate so much running.  I wasn't ready for all of that but I am glad that King kept me motivated in the first leg of the run.  He continued to talk with me so that I could push myself to jog and not fall back on walking like I normally do.  I think I was ready to say forget this until we got to the first water station.  Somewhere after that, I was able to get a boost and find a place of comfort to go with a stride.  The obstacles were pretty decent for us both and I am sure that it was the running portion that kicked our butts. 

I liked our teamwork together and how we motivated each other throughout the run.  We never left the other too far behind and waited for one another after each obstacle.  Our goal for next year is to finish within 45 minutes of completion. So we have to physically train and push through mental barriers that may exist.

Speak your mind

When you know you are being observed, do you censor yourself or put on a show?

Patience is as patience does

Have patience and await for the unknown outcome or make changes now that will put you on a different path, which the outcome is also unknown. 

When you invest, you want to wait and watch what you put your time and energy into, to grow and prosper. Then times you want to call it a loss and start over. Would one be a quitter or selfish for the latter....when is too long, too long. Whose standards are you comparing to. Just can't give up. Fear of the unknown outcomes. Realize that one will never know the master plan. Can't force the hand in your favor. The grass is always LOOKS greener on the other side. That's because it's AstroTurf. No authenticity to its seeds or roots. GMO looks better than home grown. Your baby that you "invested" in. Blood, sweat, and tears "grown". Sacrificing, back breaking, and compromising "grown". Why is it that we get down on our knees and pray for something. Then once it is delivered in it's infancy we want to throw and cast it away before it has fully ripened or matured. Then again, how do we know it's not a preparation for what's to come and was never meant to be kept til full maturitiy. How do we know?!? No one has an answer because the combination of every factor is unique to you. Like a fingerprint or DNA. No replica. A story CAN be told but the story can never be replicated accurately without revisions or omissions. If you weren't there then you just were not there. The answers and decisions comes from only 1. Do you go with your gut? Do you go with your heart? Do you go with logic? Or do you seek guidance from the Almighty? How can you tell the difference? Where DO the answer comes from? All mixed up.

What started as a FB status turned into a blog into unanswered rhetorical questions. Guess I'll listen for the answers in the wind. 

Limbo

Getting tired of this position that I'm in.

Today was a good day. 

Being unhappy with or how you feel about yourself is a sure way to jack up your mood.  No one can say or do anything to change that. 

Pft, the waterworks.  Gospel music brings on more tears. 

All I want to do is lose weight and go on a vacation.  I didn’t think it would be so hard to achieve either of these but seems like the more I put effort into it the further the goal seems to be.

So bogus!!!

The Perception of my Reflection

I feel like some shit. Poo!

I want to be back to feeling beautiful and feeling sexy. Disregarding what others think or say about my physical, I want to feel like it. 

Far away

The distance freaking sucks. 

I don't even know where to begin.

To he continued......

This has been a busy time the past couple of weeks. Productive but very busy. At the end of the day I feel fulfillment from all that I have done with only one thing left to do; get in the bed. My reading has been limited.  At the end of my night and when I awake my thoughts are of Him. I miss Him terribly.

Last night was unusual. I can recall feeling like that once before with my ex.... I just didn't want to be touched by Him. I really wanted my mood to change and to enjoy the time with Him but my thoughts made me unaroused. It irritated me further.  My heart had me turned on but my brain turned me off.

This morning I was able to think clearly and enjoy Him.

I don't know...

Today I was thinking that I may need space or time to myself for awhile.  But I haven't fully thought out what that would resolve. To be honest I'm already by myself and I don't see how that would change anything.  The other option is mental and emotional break. I really believe that once that is severed there is no going back from that. I just know right now. I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'm not happy with the output from my behavior. My actions.

I don't know if its doubt. Maybe fear. Or possibly trust. Could be all three or none. I just know that I really care and love Him. Yet still, something is "off". Some variable has changed or have I changed. 

Keep thinking about who could I talk but damn there really isn't anyone I feel comfortable to talk to. Uhh. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow in a better, happy, mood and would have forgotten about the past week or so. Just start fresh. 

Nothing but a piece

Feel like I'm being strung along with no outcome. 

I don't want sympathy or to be treated like a charity case. That's the vibe I'm picking up.

It would be nice if.... 

I Googled it, so it must be true

Okay so I am freaking out big time.  Google is a curse.  I swear sometimes, I go on there to get an explanation and I end up being scared for my life.  Yeah, that’s a bit extra but that is me.

I am in tune with my body, I know it’s schedule, what it looks like, feels like, smells, like, and tastes like.  When something is off, I take my butt to the doctor.  No delays.  In fact the only delay there is, is waiting for my scheduled visit.  DAYS!!!  Argh!  Meanwhile, I’ll Google and Google some more to see what the heck is going on, like I can type my symptoms so I can get an answer and tell the doctor what they should be looking for. Yep, Google hands out medical degrees. 

I can’t sleep and can’t focus on anything but those damn search results.  In my mind those are real results. I am so paranoid.  For what? Shit is not normal.  I’m pissed.  I’m even scared.  I can’t let LiveStrong.com and Cigna.com do this to me.  Too late.

I don’t understand, every time I go to the doctor, test results come out fine and I am in good health.  Then my doctor acts like she wants to recruit me to be a breeder.  Keeps asking me when I am having more kids.  I really think if she was a man, she would try to impregnate me.  Nah, just kidding.  (my little funny).  Shit is so bogus.  What if I can’t have anymore kids?  Now that would sound ridiculous to my friends since I already started a family but maybe I am not done.  Maybe I will get remarried and want children with my future husband.  Imagining being with someone and telling them, I can’t have kids is somewhat on the depressing side and I don’t want to think about it but I can’t get the thought out of my head. 

What I have cancer? That is my number one fear.  It is kind of alarming that when I was younger, I thought I would not live past my young adulthood due to some type of cancer.  I pray that isn’t true.  Gosh, I hate that my family has these visions that ALWAYS become a reality. Super stressed!  Trying to relax my appointment isn’t until three more days.  DA PHUCK! That is a long ass time.  I can’t go on mind trips that long. So dramatic. It may be nothing.  That is what it turned out to be last time.  Nothing!!! What if the doctor made a mistake and overlooked something.  Maybe it was something after all.  >_<

Man, since Saturday night, I have been freaking out.  When he fell asleep on my lap, I reached for my phone and Googled.  I felt so sick to my stomach…….sometime after 2:00am, I dragged myself to join him in bed.  I felt less than a woman.   I wanted to me physically intimate to the fullest but couldn’t.  Now I just don’t want to be touched at all. Tossed and turned all night with no real sleep.  Then somewhere around 7:30, I realized I just wanted to be held.  King must have felt me staring at him because he woke up , looked at me and wrapped his arm around me and scooped me right into him.  I love that feeling.  I didn’t go back to sleep but I just enjoyed that feeling.

Didn’t sleep last night.  Woke up around 3:00am, rolled around, played with phone, and continued to have cat naps until I decided I couldn’t push the time to get up any further.  Late, again. Smh.

Soon as I got to work today, I made that appointment.  Did my part. Boom!

Just have to wait.  I usually like to be prepared for all outcomes but this time I don’t know what I would do.  I keep asking myself, if it is something serious would I do traditional medicine? That mess kills you at a slow death? Would I be selfish to my family and go the non-traditional route? Is it fair to them? I guess these are things that I should have thought of before I needed to think of them. What would happen to my kids? Would they be kept away from my parents or each other? I don’t know why I am thinking of this stuff now.  I wish I had thought all of this out when I planned the life insurance portion!!!  

I don’t like to think of the worst but I need some type of explanation.  I need answers. Normal test results or not, I need an answer why.  I’m already stressed thinking I have a thyroid problem or something to explain my weight gain.  King is right; I am just not exercising enough.  Still going to get my levels checked though, it’s time for an annual physical anyway.

I don’t know.  The thought of being sick and trying to start a life with someone is selfish to me.  I would rather they find someone else. 

I want to leave a legacy.  I believe that before God calls us that we have a purpose to fulfill.  I don’t know His design but I don’t feel like done anything remarkable enough at this point.  Or maybe I have but just don’t know it yet.  Folks are always telling me that they admire my strength.  I feel that I am a strong person but I am also tired.  Like geesh, when can I get a break?  Always going through.

Well, hopefully all goes well.  Of course, in three days, I will go to the doctor and then they will say we will call you with the results if something is wrong.  Which means more waiting.  No! How about I wait here for the results or you call me no matter what.  It doesn’t matter.  I always end up calling and they say, “everything is fine, your body corrected/healed it’s self. Let nature take its course”.  Hmmm, well according to Google it is abnormal aka unnatural” sigh, whatever. 

If I had leave to waste, I would just go and lie in bed and watch glee until it was time for my appointment.  Since I can’t, I’ll fake the funk and act like my mind is racing like an express Amtrak.

This morning was an erotic moment. I was aroused when king inserted the funnel into my ass. We talked about him pissing in my ass for some time. It finally came to be, when he decided to use me to relieve is morning pee. I loved it

I have been feeling unattractive