I enjoy his surprise visits. Actually I think he only surprised me a few times because once he starts giving me instructions, I pretty much conclude that he is on his way. Last week he surprised me by calling and saying open the door. I didn't think I would see him this past weekend but I was excited when I found out he was on his way. I think I was getting spoiled seeing him 2 or more days out of a week weekends were kinda like oh, I know that we will be chilling together. So I was kinda bummed when I thought this weekend would be different. It all worked out tho :D I was super excited. I already knew the next time I saw him would be an intense session. I didn't know how awesome it would be. I should have known. It had been a while since we last had a session that intense. I enjoyed every bit. The entire day was wonderful.

I am thankful for Him.

It just one of those moments where I don't want any roughness. No degradation, no humiliation, no sex. Just hugs. Strong arms wrapped around me. Feeling his breath tickle my air. Words of comfort believed. My heart eased and knowing it will all wi work out.

Inside of His mind

I wonder what King is thinking sometimes. I gather information from what He shares. When we are together, I focus on the now and enjoy the time that we have. Then when I'm sitting at home, I start thinking again...

Self Evaluation

Since my phone crashed last month, I lost all of my text messages dating back to our first conversations along with the dates. I rarely keep dates memorized and if I don't have them written down for reference, I am screwed. I do know our journey began in April 2012.
Over the course of seven months. Trust & communication and a Dom/sub relationship was established. During this time, I took moments to reflect on my progress and if I was meeting not only the tasks and standards that king had but the expectations that I have places on myself.
I feel like I have fallen short of too many things. One is them being blogging on a consistent basis.
No excuses! Just correct it.
I always think that I can do more or do better in regards to my productivity. I definitely don't want it to seem as if I am unappreciative or don't have any respect.
With progression, reflection is needed to make corrections before things become overwhelming. This is what I intend to continue to work at.

I wanted to write a blog today but I am too emotional to do so. I'll come back later.

2 Heads are better than 1

Life is so challenging that alot of times you wonder what will you do.  My answer is keep moving forward.  Do better today than what you did yesterday.  I mean is there any other option.  I believe one can not stay stagnant in the same position.  One must continuously strive towards goals.  Once those goals are obtained, you are not done.  One must maintain and make sure you do not become complacent and slip back down to where you once started.  Continuous movement.  This is what I strive for each day.  Even with my submission, I want to keep moving forward.  I want us to learn new things.  I want us to experience new things together.  In time....
At times, I feel as if life situations place holds or rather slows the progress.  In a way this can be a good thing.  It allows us to veerbally communicate more and understand each other more outside of the D/s lifestyle.  Person to person. Male to female.  Man to woman. 
It was hard for me to open up initially but now I am more comfortable sharing with Him things that I usually keep to myself.  At any given moment if I am asked a question I will give an honest answer but most don't ask the right questions.  He does.  There have been times where I would just pause like dag, how did he know to ask me that.  Then I will share my thoughts.
Today I wish he was here so that I could tal kto him cause I need him right now.  I really do.  I have some of things that are open issues sorted out so when He gets home we can talk about them before I make actions.  As always.  I get the information and bring it to the table for us to discuss and resolve it.  At first that was hard for me to get used to doing but now it doesn't feel right making a move without putting both of our heads together first. I'm patient.  I can wait a few days....He just texted me <3

From Podcast

I listened to this statement several times.  so many people don't understand.  They just don't get it.

"bDsm isn’t violence and it isn’t  abuse.  Its consensual intimate play that’s a living breathing flesh and blood fantasy. It’s a framework and philosophy within which you can safely experience your most primal fantasies. Your most visceral desires and help your playmate experience theirs.  All the while developing a trust and unity that just isn’t possible with vanilla sex.  Submission is a celebration of free will with and search for emotional and sexual release by freely giving up control to someone you trust."

J.V. Altharas

Growth

Grooming myself as a submissive. Listening to bDsm topics via podcasts

I feel like I wasted His time and His gas. Now because I did not listen to His instructions, I know that I did not give Him what He wanted. I feel like such a waste.
Everything was perfect. My ass was clean. Food was ready. I just don't know what my problem was.
I don't think I should ask for anything and I will just wait for His command. No sex, no masturbation, nothing. Unless I am told otherwise.

I am so upset with myself right now

Beauty

He gently strummed my soul, creating the melody, while the song flowed from my lips. When the three tears fell from my left eye and slowly danced down my cheek, I knew it was the grand finale.

The way His hands were gentle and delicate. Complete opposite of feeling His strength and roughness. I felt His passion. With each touch, I wanted to melt into Him.
Kisses. His kisses make me feel like the sweetest milk chocolate that He can't get enough of.
Held. Strong embrace. Caress. I did not want to let go.

Not just owned. I felt like I was His. Confirmation was not needed because I already knew it. Confirmation received and appreciated. I felt like the Queen, His Queen because I am.

Served. Not used. His Dominance is still apparent. My complete submission. That doesn't change.

The words we exchanged (our talk) prior made me discard all leftover tools that I used to build my wall back up. Gone. Open. No longer feeling exposed and vulnerable.

He gently strummed my soul, creating the melody, while the song flowed from my lips. When the three tears fell from my left eye and slowly danced down my cheek, I knew it was the grand finale.

07/08/2012 3:45 AM

I have insomnia, my head hurts, and other things hurt but I've moved past them. I just need some warm ginger ale to soothe whatever this is I feel in my stomach.

Bratty sub

I am deprived. I'm having a fit just like a spoiled brat. I have a feeling this weekend will go by real slow for me. Make me suffer extremely. Acting like this is the worst day ever but it really isn't. I'm just in brat mode. I like to get what I want, when I want, and somewhat on my terms. I know I can't control or force it. So I'll let it go. Actually writing made me feel better. Woosa! :)

Monday Madness

Every time He walks in, just the sight of Him has me feeling refreshed.  I was fresh out of the shower just in time for King's Arrival. I asked King if He wished to eat dinner or take His shower first.  I knew that after practice He would want to wind down and relax and I wanted to make Him as comfortable as possible.   King ordered me into the shower.  I stepped in and kneeled as I have done several times before.  He closed the door and left the bathroom in darkness.  I held my hair up with one hand as told.  I felt like a 1950's pin up girl.  Sexy and seductive.  I wanted to look at Him and was glad the window shade was up to allow the moonlight to glow on His skin giving me the opportunity to see.  My eyes traced up His body almost making it to His eyes and then I felt a warm splash hit my face.  I just closed my eyes and opened my mouth.  His liquid ran from my mouth and down my body.  Smells good.  Tastes good.  Feels good.  I was glad He saved that just for me.  Got out the tub and He gave me His tank to put on.  I was not allowed to dry off but the air did that for me.  I washed my hands and served His meal.   

As He ate the dinner I prepared, I was ordered to service King.  I obliged.  I didn't hesitate to get down on my knees and make HIs dick warm and wet.  I enjoy the way that He grows in my mouth and inside my head I had a little challenge while He ate, drank and watched TV.  I missed Him so much, even though we were together Friday, and early Saturday as well as church on Sunday.  It just felt like days since I last saw Him.  Spending time with Him is one of the things that I look forward to.

Later in the evening after playing, lying around, and watching TV, we showered  and retired to the bedroom.  He ordered me to sit on his face and I was not allowed to cum. I thanked Him. From the beginning I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold my orgasm. I asked several times and was denied. I ran but I did not get far. I asked King if I would be punished if I came. I already knew the answer I was just trying to distract myself from releasing by talking.  He flipped me over on to my back.  At that point I wanted to be bad and I wanted Him to spank me for it.  I could not hold it. I came twice.  King said he likes it when I’m bad sometimes but I still would pay for it.

He bit me all over my body.  I love his bites.  Feeling his teeth over me.  One after another.  Hard.  Mixed with soft kisses.  It is euphoric.  The pain began to subside and I wanted each bite to be harder and last longer.  Ms. Kitty was soaking wet.  I felt like my body was floating.  Watching an exotic love scene in a movie and becoming even more aroused.  That moment was so delicious.

Too many adjectives flood my mind to pick one to explain how I felt.

Soft became hard and gentle become rough.  The beast provoked the beast to come out and play for more fun….

Jill Scott - Nothing (my song for today)

I gotta admit sometimes I feel weak for loving you the way I do
It's beyond me
I can't control it or force it to be, you know, what I want it to be
I think about you so much when I'm with you and when I'm not
It's deep, the way, just looking in your eyes just changes my whole perspective
Nothing is more beautiful than loving you, holding you being next to you
Kissing your lips taking my time with you
Nothing is more beautiful than loving you Holding you being next to you
Moving my hips
Moving in time with you
Put of all the things in the world, god gave us to each other
It's amazing
You are the king I always imagined
This is the best time of my life.

Brady Bunch Type

I don't believe in fantasies but for some reason I believe Mr. Brady is out there, feeling exactly the way that I feel. Hopefully our paths cross before my vagina dries up and my teeth fall out. Either way he may not care. I may even have to wait till we are old and gray and we bump into each others wheelchairs at first encounter. Lol. I have been thinking about Mr. Brady for some time and this fool must be in another country cause the path is not even warm. Did the Brady Bunch fam have a dog? Yep I'm gonna have a dog. That shit is not even important. What is important is compatibility and an open mind. This is where it will get interesting. *sighs*

I don't like this feeling. U don't like talking about my most personal feelings. Thank goodness I got a blog out yesterday cause if I had to write another it would be rambling words going in circles.
I don't like the position my feelings are in. Perhaps this weekend that will all change. The goal this weekend is to enjoy myself and do the minimum.

Butta

Today W/we adderd a new addition to O/our toy collection, which reminded me that I didn't share about the last toy that King presented to me.  King surprisedd me with an inflatable anal plug.  I remember telling Him that I wanted one ever since I first saw Kapri Styles in a porno vid three years ago.  Where she expanded her ass and left it gaping for a man's pleasure.

A night of pleasure and pain.  Gagged, pissed on, and bound.  He inserts a plug and I felt the stretching.  I felt that uncormfortable feeling when you have to shit and you can no longer hold it.  I was nervous.  I have experienced anal sex as well as anal plugs before.  Yet this feeling from a sex toy was new.  It felt like I was giving birth.  All mothers know that feeling, I don't need to explain.  *chuckles*

Organs

Every time my walls come down, I feel too vulnerable. So I build my walls back up. I don't ignore my emotions but my brain does not allow my heart to completely take over. My brain remembers all the awesome moments but holds off on resending euphoric feelings from memories.
My body has been under the ultimate challenge of self-control. I would be telling a lie if Monday - Friday my body never wants to give in to temptation. That is not realistic. My brain stops my body from making bad choices. Or is it my heart? They work together. Add my sex organs to only the latter and everything could be a big grand mess. As a woman in this day and age, I listen to what my brain says first. First instinct. Not what my sex and heart says. Too often the brain and heart go back and forth but when you sit still and THINK, the smartest always wins.

I thought last night and then I woke up thinking. I'm always observing, which fuels my thoughts. My brain moves super fast and then spits out a calculated decision. Thank goodness I'm not weak in these areas.
I think today I'll just take some time to myself and limit my socializing. Continue to clear my head, meditate, and stay focused on the main goal.

Discretion

Sitting at my desk playing with this bullet.  Thank You King. *muah* I got carried away and put it on maximum speed to get my clit jumping.  When my thighs no longer muffled the sound, I printed out 25 sheets of blank paper.  The noise from the printer aided with my discretion.  Happy Bitch!

At work

Thursday:
Yesterday I wore a form fitting black dress I felt really sexy and sent King a pic of with my big cheesy smile and gave a little more than my normal headshot. I received a text from King and was told to take off my bra. I complied. I was a little nervous because the type of dress that I had on made it obvious I was not wearing a bra.  I came back to my desk and put my bra inside of my desk drawer.  Concealed from my colleagues.  I went about my day as I normally would but I could not help but to be more conscious to close the sweater I had on across my chest.  I am so glad that it was a little cool in the office.  After lunch, I started running around more but I refused to take my sweater off.  My supervisor called me into his office.  He smiled and asked was I okay.  I had my sweater closed and each side tucked under the opposite arm ensuring it did not mistakenly open.  The only explanation that I gave is that it is a bit chilly in the office and pressed on changing the subject and began discussing the work assignments.  I took a few breaks wearing my sweater through the lobby and took it off once I got to a secluded bench.  It was hot as FAWK yesterday.  I sent King a text saying that my titties were sweating underneath.  I was not allowed to put my bra back on until my day ended at work.  I had a lot of running around to do after work and the idea of walking through Towson mall with my ta-ta’s hanging low was a little bit frightening.

I keep messing up

Dag

I want you to

Embrace my sexuality and sensuality. Fuck my mind and my body...

Let your words tease my imagination. Leave me in a daze in a state of mental masturbation

My favorite word begins with F

What do you desire?

I desire the "F" word.  Yes, King gives IT to me frequently. In fact it just comes naturally.  No forcing or pretending.  Just Be....

Thus far, the most pleasurable and memorable moment was an evening when King blindfolded, gagged and restrained my wrist to the overhead pipes in the basement.  After already being used and punished to His satisfaction, I stood there naked, covered in His urine.  Ass on fire. Unable to see.  Breast wet from drool.  Cheeks stained from tears.  Initially I felt like a "worthless cunt".  Degraded.  After everything that night I felt so humiliated.  I stood before King completely naked and exposed.  Then hearing His voice and a few words I felt beautiful and became immediately aroused.  To hear Him say "...and you are still so beautiful..." was the icing on the cake.  That made the evening complete.  I don't know if I can fully explain the fulfillment one receives from no worries of judgements from your partner.  Comfortable.   Down right nitty, gritty, and dirty.  Not seen in a bad way.  A woman who voices her sexual desires with no shame.  A man who accepts them and brings them to reality along with His own desires with no shame. 

This is FREEDOM

Submission. Freedom. Exchange.

What I give, He gives so much more in return. Submission. I want to please Him at all times. With training I want to improve so I am on top of my assignments. Freedom. He has all of me. He has ALL of me. The gift I am able to give. I offer to Him and He respects everything about it. Exchange....

Freedom

I love how totally free I am with Him. I love that no matter how dirty or nasty I get He still thinks I'm beautiful.

Punishment/submission

I have such a dirty mouth, He doesn't like His little cumslut to curse. I didn't remember that in between a face fucking and feeling His brick hard dick smacking me in my face. He heard me and that was an addition to the punishment I already earned.
Somewhere in between being spat in, spanked by His leather belt, and worshipping his cock, King allowed me to drink water from my dog bowl. :)
He takes good care of me. I want to make sure He has everything He needs wants, and desires. If I'm able to make it happen I will make it happen. I want to.

His hands

Every time we are together, I want to suck each and every finger. Appreciate them for the touch He gives. The strength He has. The pain He gives. The softness He lays on me when needed. He makes me light up. He is able to contain me. Hold me in His hands. Smooth out my rough edges. Molding me. Making me better. His hands make me melt. They make me cry and scream out from pleasure.
Our hands reach out for each other when we walk. :)

That day when His hands wiped my tears away...

Passion - mini daydream

Sitting here thinking about straddling you in a chair or sofa. Slowly riding you. Embracing you. Kissing your lips. Sucking your ears and licking your neck. Tasting you. Feeling your hands on my ass forcing me to take all of you. Then feeling your hands running along my sweaty back. Hands trailing up to the back of my neck. You grab a fist full of my hair and pull making me arch my back. You take control and lift me while kneeling on the floor. My legs wrapped around your waist. I hold on while you use me at Your will. Fast and hard. My moans let You know I love it. My tears let You know this is what I needed. Embracing each other. Squeezing so tight like we never want to let go. But we do. We release together. Taste your lips. Inhale your scent. Stare in your eyes. Embrace. Slow wind cause I never got up. Breathe together. Rock together. Holding on again not wanting to let go. I unwrap my legs but remain squatting squeezing Him inside of me. You lay on your back and I slide my hands from around you neck, over your shoulders, and down your chest. My roots are damp my hair is wet and frizzy stuck to your chest. You hold me and stroke my head. I just lay there holding and caressing you.
Listening. I hear your heartbeat.
This is where I want to stay.

It is In The Back of My Mind

Alot of thoughts in my mind but the one that keeps resurfacing is this vanilla shit. I wrote about it many times before but I keep coming back to the same damn thing. Can I let this all go and just be a vanilla? I mean straight plain Jane all the way no Kink. Likely not, but I think I could limit my sessions. I do like sensuality also. I think that is where my true magic is felt.

At the end of the day, I think if I'm too kinky I may not meet "Mr. Brady" and be single for the rest of my life. If that happens then I would just have to keep it moving and continue to live my life in a way that makes me happy and makes me proud. I don't see myself being in a relationship knowing that I am not being fulfilled. Even though that would not be reason enough to make or break a relationship. Not the only reason. I'm just thinking of all the possibilities and outcomes.

Trying to keep my mind clear and not get caught up in fairy tale ideas. I deals with reality. Then after I analyze it all. The chanes aren't looking so great.

Thank You

I am thankful to have Him in my life. I try very hard to thank Him for everything that He does. He is a treasure sent and I will take care of Him. I appreciate Him for being Him. For being my friend, a supporter, a leader, and a great man.

The simple things

I like how He does the smallest things and they put the biggest smiles on my face. They mean so much and appreciate Him for all that He does. Even if it is just words of encouragement. They make me feel better.
I hope I am giving back what He gives to me.

Dark Urine

Text received from King to pee in a cup and place on my desk. I was nervous thinking I would spill it and get all over my suit jacket. Damn, I didn't even take my vitamins and it's yellow. This means more water. Yikes!!! I have 5 more cups to go in an hour and a half.

There once was a man that stumbled upon a treasure. Wrapped in a beautiful box. He took the box with him and protected it. He cared for the treasure, nurtured it, and helped it grow. The man didn't tend to the garden frequently letting it run wild with no maintenance.
And then the treasure sat on the shelf like a genie in the lamp. No one could rub her the right way to get her to come out. That is until she met Him. Til she met King

Time, Consistency, & Patience

I feel myself opening up more to Him.  My goal is to always respect Him and treat Him like the King that He is.  To Please Him in all ways not just sexually.  I want to know the areas that I need improvement and understand how I should work on improving them.  Time, consistency, and patience and I will be the painting on the canvas, the image of Your desire, Your vision of perfection. 

I remember there was a time that what I saw I did not like.  Then I learned to see what he saw.  Now I still see but I am looking through a different set of eyes. His eyes!  When I think of Him I smile. Imagining His eyes on me.  His eyes.  The strong seeing the strength.within.  I love what He sees and I want Him to always be pleased at what he sees on the exterior and when He stares into the depth of my soul.

15-minute Break

Standing at the food truck while my coworker ordered her food listening to her ramble about office stress. Feeling the breeze. Thinking about those panties I left sitting on my desk. I am feeling good right now. Real fucking awesome. The warmth, the wetness and the tickling sensation I felt running down the inside of my right thigh. I excused myself from my coworker as she continued to talk to all standing near that pretended to listen. I walked a few feet away tilted my foot and lifted my dress just enough to see the juices running down. My goodness. I don't have any napkins and I don't want to use my hands. I ignored it and walked back to the truck. More released. :o I walked away and looked again. I smiled and took a picture to share the moment with Him. I felt a breeze and just like that my scent was in the air. I'm aroused. My nipples are hard. I pressed my thighs together to stop the trail from making it past my hem line. We walked back up the hill and ran into some politicians. I wondered was I the only one enticed? Did anyone else notice?
I am now back at my desk and I'm going to try and focus on my work. I think the remainder of my day has gotten more interesting ;-)

The Countdown

I sat at my desk waiting for the instructed time. Not too early and not too late. In my cubicle I sat wanting to suck the juice out of my panties if given the chance.
I stood up at my desk lifted my dress and grabbed the g-string with both thumbs and slid them over my ass and down my thighs. Stood there as if I was in my bedroom putting on a show. Seducing my audience. In my mind the entire office was watching but in reality no one saw.
I slid my panties down to my ankles sat down in my chair, looked, took a pic, and played with the panties with the heels of my shoes. Legs wide open for a spectator that should have been under my desk. I grabbed them feeling how damp they were. Ms. Kitty soaked them today. I squeezed them and played with them in my hands before decided to lay my panties on my desk. I folded them neatly and put them behind my desk phone. Ensuring that they can not be seen by anyone that decides to walk in my area.
I don't touch and I get back to work. I know the panties are there and He knows they are there. While working I lean my face against my left hand (my thinking position). The scent. It's so fucking stimulating. The scent transferred to my fingers and it lingers. I am aroused. I am dripping. I am going to be a good girl.

The point I am at

When your personal life becomes so overwhelming, you can't focus in anything else. That is where I ave been the past few weeks. My smile is gone, my drive. I'm irritable don't feel like the bullshit. My friends want to talk about sex, I snap and say I have real life shit to worry about. Ticking bomb. Better yet a landmine; unseen then all of a sudden BOOM!!! I have been putting my patience to get use. Forever thankful. I know this can't last forever......

Period. Point. Blank.

the end.

Worst feeling

The worst feeling I ever felt was abandonment. I don't want to repeat it

A celebration dinner

So the day has finally come. I was celebrating for the longest time. My divorce has been granted. Although I am saddened only by the fact that another family unit is not together. I don't understand why Americans think this is okay.
Quite frankly I do not believe in divorce I'm what you call a "Ride or Die" chick, lol. Regardless, of that fact, I am divorced and I am Happy to be. I am free to be me. Live my life and express myself without being ashamed or treated negatively. Freedom. Liberated.
So today I took my little ladies and myself to dinner. Elegant and nice. Veggies, potatoes, crab cakes, and Pinot Grigio:-) my celebration dinner. Divorced.

Everyone Has A Limit

You left nothing but space and opportunity. Unprotected, open, and alone. Now I'm gone.

Question of the year

Vanilla?

MoodSwings

When I woke up:
My body yearns for Him. My ears yearn to hear His voice. My nipples are tingling just from the thought of pressing against Him when W/we embrace. My tongue is dancing in my mouth imaging it is tasting His tongue. Tasting and sucking His saliva.
3 hours later:
Why can't I get a phone call. Why can't I get a picture. Not worthy I suppose. I'll just dig into my memory crate again. Dig into that moment of time. How many memories do I have left?

Damp

Am I the only one that sits at my desk and just feel the wetness tickle my lips as it gushes out and absorbs in my panties. Sexy feeling

Date Night

With permission from Master, I went out on a date with a very good friend and I really enjoyed myself. Here is a recap.
Made plans for dinner and a movie. As usual when I got there he wasn't dressed talking bout he had to see what I was wearing. I had on some black leggings my grey boots a black tee and a pullover grey/black sweater. My hair was freshly done my eyebrows freshly threaded. I'll say I was looking cute. So while slow poke got dressed I jumped on the computer and purchased the tickets for the Tyler Perry movie cause it was opening weekend and I knew it would be crazy not to get them in advance. My buddy was ready I had to comment on the little bit of grey he put on. Lol pretty boy Kappa. Cool we are out. So on the ride there I had to listen to all of his dates he had the past week and he asked my advice and opinions on all the chicks he has an interest in. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda our usual conversation that we have. He always telling me his stories but I never tell him mine. I don't know if he can handle it. The rawness. Will he judge me? At this point I shouldn't worry about that but I do think about it.
Well we cruised and went to like four restaurants searching for a short wait time. We settled for some pizza. Sat there, ate, checked out girls that walked by. He critiqued their ass I critiqued their face. "Look to your left look at her ass" game. That was fun. Hit up the dollar store to buy candy to smuggle into the theatre. Of course the parking lot was packed but when he was dropping me off at the door we got a close one. Now look at this long ass line they probably sold out. No worries we good. Another line? Really? You would have thought we were seeing Harry Potter the way the police were out patrolling. Smh. Anyway, "Good Deeds", good movie go see it. Exiting stage left he grabbed my hands and put them in his crotch. Wtf why is your dick so hard right now? Of all times? Grrr. I'm horny as hell and I know he gonna fuck the shit out of me later.
For some reason when I left the movies a sadness came over me. I thought of Him. I had several different thoughts then I played words with friends and cleared my mind. Got back to the house and let Master know I was in for the night. Sat up with my date and watched part of the Dr. King movie and listened to all of his fun history facts :) I fell asleep in my fav spot on the couch under my fav blanket. He woke me up then I slid to my side of the bed. Then I was in the middle of the bed, top of the bed, and the bottom. Got back up watched some more of Dr. King movie (cause you know it's like 6 hours, lol). Till he said lets go to sleep. I think it was like 4am. Knowing good and well we both had to go to church in the morning and I had to go back to Baltimore. I pin curled my hair and took my ass to sleep. I slept like a baby. I was so relaxed. I didn't even want to get up the next morning. He woke me up at the last minute now I'm rushing. I didn't have time to make breakfast this time. Ugh I'll have to stop at Starbuck's. We both got dressed in Sunday's best but I was mad he didn't wake me up earlier, I wanted to get fucked again. :( got damn it.
Well I am glad my weekend turned out okay and ended well.
Thank You Daddy

How the fuck did I let this happen. Lol. Oh wow. I really do trip myself out sometimes. I suppose if I behaved like a robot I would get into less "trouble". Then that wouldn't be fun. ;-) I will continue to do me until I feel it is necessary to stop right now I don't think that point has come. It may be near but it hasn't come yet so in the mean time..."PUTTING MY CUPS UP"!

When folks start to wonder

When I see something that I don't like or when I learn about something that I particularly don't want to know. Just know that I won't say shit I'll just act out. My actions and behavior will scream attitude.

2/19/2012

Am I really cut out for this? I feel like the attorney from the secretary movie. I chilled with my friend yesterday and I'm glad he keeps it real. But as I laid there telling Jay about Dee his words hit me like a ton of bricks. "Why would you try and be something that you are not?" I wanted to cry.

Trust

My trust is not something I give out to whomever walks in and out of my life. I trust people to a certain extent and then it doesn't go beyond that.
Maybe it is the Scorpio in me I don't know; but I am a very fickle person. There are things a person can say, do, or even wear that will turn me completely off. The matter at hand is trust. In my relationships dealing with the opposite sex I trust an individual based on what they have shown me. This one I don't trust enough to share anything about me from the fear of being judged and losing a friend. That one I don't trust from fear of having no discretion. This one over here I don't trust cause a seed is planted in my brain that permits be from going 100. What I don't know is what takes all the sense of security away. Then there is this one I fear I will be caught up in some shit. When I don't fully trust I am withdrawn, shy and less vocal. Closed

"Ok"

I want a spanking :)

STFU

Why even talk *rolls eyes*
I'll be quiet

Hold you down

I just feel like there is nothing more that I can do but stand by and be as much support as possible. Be the strength when needed, be the nurturer when needed, be that boost ; that hope. Faith. Not a day goes by that I don't think what more can I do. Nothing never comes to mind. Just being there when needed is enough to offer.

Dangerous Mind

So far today while at work I ate breakfast then text my life away. I popped my breasts out and snapped pics while sitting at my desk. Told my friend how horny I was. Went to the restroom and made a vid then sent to Master. The vid composed of sucking my nipples, they were really soft by the way. Fingering myself and sucking, licking, and living the taste. Sat here and watched my vid while turning some frames into photos. Tools some regular shots and put on Facebook but of course my expression had fuck me all over it do the pic was subtly naught. Can't say I did much of any work today but I am leaving in an hour so I can go pack to get ready for my weekend. I think when I get home I will masturbate first that way I will have self control while staying at my friends house :(

That feeling

I think I need a companion (boyfriend) or whatever you want to call it. Oh wait I have a couple of those. Well I need someone that understands my ins and outs and vice versa. Have fun, chill, watch movies, critique porn, ride out, get low, all that good shit. I don't need all that mushiness but I will accept it if it is given. Just have someone so that I can sen out that notification sorry I have a b/f now. *sighs* Yeah

I dub thee

On this 32nd day of 2012, during this 23rd hour, I His cumslut, His property, His bitch, His slave, His creation, His freakenstein, or whatever He wishes to call me. I dub thee SandMan. SandMan, your magical powers has graced this here fine earth for decades and I know you will continue your fine work for many more. Your strength to keep going when all of your comrades have died out shows and proves to me that you WILL keep going until your mission has been completed. No job is too messy, no job is too big or small you are always prepared. So tonight Mr SandMan when I go to sleep and fantasize of you conspiring with my dear Master, I know that when I awake, with you through Him I can live out my dreams. I humbly thank you in advance. *blows kisses*

To Do List

So the past month I have been apart of discussions and have read the opinions and view of others regarding sexual behavior regarding anal pleasure for men.

There have been times when I have wanted to stick my finger inside of a man’s ass (soooo bad) while sucking his balls or while sucking his dick but I refrained from doing so because I didn’t know how they would respond and I did not want to kill the mood.  I have viewed videos on milking/massaging the male prostate.  This is something that I am interested in trying.  I just don’t know anyone who would let me do it. One male told me that it demasculinizes the manhood to receive pleasure from any type of object being inserted inside the anus.  I don’t think so.  

First off if a male, straight, bi, or gay allowed me to do anything like this no one would never know but him and I.  I am very discreet and I think it would be wrong for me to say “yeah girl he let me fist his ass”.  Most of my friends don’t even know my current lifestyle now.  The ones that do know they just know that I am a slave but they don’t know what it involves.  I don’t sit around and say hey I do this and that.  When I do speak of my lifestyle I mostly find myself explaining to people the mental aspect of it and the fulfillment I receive and at the end they say, “whatever makes you happy”, end of story. 

Most men say “If a man will take a finger up the ass then at some point they will want more, that is gay”.  “If a man likes his ass licked, that is gay”. “If a man tastes his own cum, that is gay” BLAH! I respect everyone’s opinion and I personally don’t think that is gay.  So if I run into someone that likes to do those things then hey we can do it together.  You can cum in my mouth and suck my tongue if you want to.  Shit who cares.  I just realize that some people are not as open minded as I am.  There seems to be levels to everything.  There are always limits, which is not a bad thing.  Everyone just has to be honest and respect a person’s likes or dislikes and not be judgmental.  Instead of saying something is gay just simply say I am not into that or it’s not for me.  Noted.  So I say all this to say that sticking a finger, or two, or three inside is still on my to-do list.  Trying, learning and mastering the art of milking a mans prostate is on the to-do list. 

Think before you speak

I ask the questions I ask for a reason. I had to tell my friend yay the other day. He said Oh! Really? I am always thinking. Good thing is I am better at controlling my thoughts. My paranoia seemed to have slowed down some but it's still there. Lately instead of upsetting myself and over thinking and assuming and creating logical what-it's. I ask. Every word is chosen carefully. Same as if I am asked a question, I think before my answer is given. Now if I can just work on my strategies and smash my opponents in words with friends I'll be all good :)

Ahhh

Talking to another person in the lifestyle and I realized I am such a queen. Smh all I can do is laugh at my silly ass. I need balance.

Selfless

I thought I was being a good friend but I guess all I did was cut the chord. This isn't what I wanted. Not for it to be this extreme.
I am so green right now. Her words cut me every day but I never say anything. Everyday they pop up I'm scared to read them but I do. Why, because how else would I know anything. Then once I obtain the knowledge it fuels me. I try to use it in a positive way but that goes not rewarded. Then it turns to a river of emotions. Fear, pain, and hurt. Tears. I always say it is too much. Why am I going through this. Do I honestly want to? Do I need to? It's a catch 22. I really think she is selfish her words ring of a person that wants what they want not caring for other individuals. Not sacrificing. At the end of the day I respect what I did and everyone and they momma know that is not what I wanted but it's not about me. That's what real friends do. They help wanting nothing in return; just because. *sighs* still her words hurt. I'll get over it. Maybe if I didn't open them and stopped reading them. ......but I can't tho. Smh

That doesn&apos;t mean you can

I am a submissive but that doesn't mean that I want to submit to every man that I encounter. The past month I have had a few things said to me my friends/associates in reference to them dominating me O_o Pump the brakes. Hold up. Where the fuck did that come from and who authorized it. Not I. Shit is crazy. Now all of a sudden; I mean there were always other Doms blowing up inboxes but now it's vanilla dudes. I thought about the idea and even asked Him but at the end of the day I don't want to give anyone that power. Not now at least. If that action was to take place it would have to go through Him and I would be obedient to Him at the end of the day. I think it began when I received a call and on the other end I heard a bitch being dominated and used. I enjoyed hearing her sounds but it made me sad. The reason that I enjoyed it was because I wished it was me being played with by Him and I was the one whimpering and squirming. I smiled as I remembered but then I became sad cause it has been so long. I believe the following day a friend was pushing up on me and I had to tell him straight up "look you can't do what my best friend does for me and the man that will end up in my life will have to be able to fulfill me in the way that I want and need". He really hassled me till I sent him a link on domination and submission. The. Maybe an hour later he asked me the dumbest question in the world. Two hours later I was still explaining why that wouldn't work. Three hours later the first questioned asked became the second finest question cause the question he asked was now number one dumbest. Smh. Unreal I can not give away something that belongs to me. I appreciate his eagerness to understand and I know why he did it but I also know why it won't work. There are just way too many things that he "is not into". Therefore, brill continue to think of how much I feel like a worthless little cunt. What is my purpose? What am I doing? Could I be in a vanilla relationship again. Of course I can but I won't be happy. Pft. Why can't I link up with some kinky people that intrigue me. Some days I feel unprotected and neglected. Other days my phone is going crazy from dudes wanting me to do what I enjoy doing. Pleasing. Mentally most miss the mark and it can damn sure be missed physically as well. Still not satisfied. Most days I just want conversation that would be enough to keep this slut happy. I don't even get that. I guess I don't deserve it. I must have did something wrong somewhere. -_- Hell I did a lot of things wrong ha, but shit. I keep it honest and everyone knows what they are getting when they deal with me they shouldn't expect anything else. Or is it that I give too much and in return much is expected.

I have so many ideas in my head that I want to live out. I feel so unable to fully bring them to life at the current moment. For whatever reason. Possibly because I am not surrounded by enough people that think like me. Regardless I'm going to do me. Express myself when I can. Something is still missing tho. Well until I figure it out I'm going to live out my fantasies by myself. See how much fun it will be dragging my vanilla friends into my kinky thoughts. I already asked my friend to record me being naughty on the metro train. Originally the idea I had was for me to do it in New York but that may not happen so I will live it out here. I can't wait. There are some things I want to do I don't think the other person will fully appreciate my art work; the thought process behind the whole act. Those thoughts I'll throw in the freezer until a later date.