3 weeks

UGH!!!!! I MISS HIM SO FREAKING MUCH

Overwhelmed 12/22/2010 (I thought I been posted this)

I have been holding this in all week.  I have been feeling so overwhelmed with everything.  I don't know if I lost track or if I don't know how to manage my time.  Hmm I already know that I don't know how to manage my time so of course my life seems chaotic right now.  It seems like I have neglected forgotten a lot of things and people.  Simple things that I should remember to do gets done late or doesn't at all.  Tell you one thing, I don't forget to do a task or something that Master tells me to do.  Although I have been slipping as He said in certain areas.  Like not having enough time to eat.  Of course I don't cause I'm trying to catch up with the rest of my life.  I feel like such a bad mom, friend, daughter, employee, etc.  I always feel like I could be a better slave.  I wear so many hats.  It feels like everything is colliding and overlapping each other. I just have to work it out.

I got out of bed but...

Well I made it out of bed today and ate some food. Watched a little tv. Began my daily training. Master says He will want to see me soon. When the time comes I hope I don't encounter any obstacles that I have no control over. If I do I'm gonna karate chop someone to the throat. That wasn't a joke.
My mind says its time to clean this house but my body just sitting here. My body wants to get back in the bed and pull the covers up. No really my body wants to be where He is. Wanting him to keep me close, walking through the streets of NY as if I was on a short leash. Serving Him at all times.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here but this is the third cartoon now so I guess bout 1 1/2 hours. Time to clean up and stop staring off into space.
I wonder how long it will take me to clean this one room.

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Hoping for a Good Saturday

Laying here looking at the ceiling. So much has happened this week. A lot has happened today. Now. I'm just laying here thinking bout Him. It is 1:16 am and I'm laying here feeling like I shud be fulfilling His needs whatever they may be. I remember last time I got like this I couldn't get out of bed for two days. Last time I was being too hard on myself for not being able to be His slutty bitch that is always there when He awakes. To prepare His egg whites,oatmeal, and grapefruit every morning. To be on my knees when He came home or ready to cook dinner with just my collar and red pumps on. Or...*sigh*. I'm just making it worse.*wipes tears* I better go on upstairs n try to get some rest, hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. Good Night.

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No words

I am so busy at work right now but hey, when am I never busy.  I have to make this diary entry like right now.

I’m sitting here on the toilet at work lubed up pushing my plug in my ass and texting Daddy.  Yes I can multi-task.  And then it happened.  But first let me explain this Evo phone, when you receive a text message only the first line comes across your screen and you have to open the inbox to read the rest of the message.  So when I see “It has been a pleasure” my mind started racing I immediately started to think OMG it’s been a pleasure BUT.  You know what that but means I don’t even have to explain what bad things are said after but.  Wait a minute there was no BUT, my mind is moving to fast.  I slow down and open the inbox and read the rest of the message.  I feel the tears form behind my eyes.  I take deep breaths and continue reading.  While sitting here holding my phone in one hand and my plug in the other I noticed my hands were shaking.  I am really emotional right now but this is good.  I smile.

I can hardly wait till the next time my Master asks for me to come back up to Him.  Yes, I said Master. <bites bottom lip, tears>  I am still shaking, I can feel my heart through my chest.  I can’t believe my body is reacting like this.  I can’t even explain, there are no words to explain.  Just facial expressions, tears, and shaky hands. 

I push the plug, in send my Master a pic and go to my desk to let my emotions take over.

Censored

I know this is my diary but other folks can read.  I mean really I feel like I am censoring myself right now.  Whatever.  I
I'm not being emotional right now but I guess I AM feeling some type of way.  Maybe the tags connected to this blog will say it all.
I need some sub gal pals I can talk to cause my vanilla friends just don't get it.  There is always my cousin but she may not really give feedback.  Pooo.
Oh well, I'll get over it. 

A Surprise From Daddy... Continued 12/11/2010

Mr. Suave walked in and first thing I notice is his scent. Damn a man with some good cologne is my weakness.  I’m looking at him trying to figure out who he was.  Is this part of my surprise?  Is a bukake my surprise? I don’t know, just have to wait and see. Daddy came a few minutes later with the food but I really wasn’t hungry anymore.  I wanted to learn more about my surprise.   
Okay, let’s fast forward past all the introductions, talking, joking, and laughing.  Ok now Mr. Suave and I are acquainted and Mr. Suave has his clothes off.  Daddy gives me my commands, I take my towel off and I kneel in front of Mr. Suave and take all of his dick into my mouth.  Daddy sat and watched and every word that came out of His mouth; my body responded.  I wanted to look at Daddy to see if He was pleased instead my lips held on to Mr. Suave’s dick and I tried swallowing it when Daddy told me too. I sucked his dick so that Daddy would be proud. I hear good bitch. Yes, he approves.  I’m feeling good and I can tell Mr. Suave is feeling good as well. 

I sat on Daddy’s lap while he rubbed my feet.  I love it when His hands are on me.  I continued to sit there being mindful of my posture while Daddy and Mr. Suave talked.  Mr. Suave kept saying how he wished his lady was here, shit I wished she was here too the way he kept talking I wanted to meet her.  They continued to talk and there is no way I could have felt insecure about anything.  I got so many compliments my self- esteem boosted up bout three notches. Not conceited though. 

I do as I am told and get on the bed, Daddy pulls a chair up next to me while Mr. Suave spreads my legs and dives into Ms. Kitty face first.  I immediately look at Daddy to make sure I am doing everything He wants, that it is ok.  He nods with approval and then kisses me and sucks on my nipples.  I close my eyes and enjoy Mr. Suave’s tongue on my pussy.  Clip! Clip! Daddy has put the pins on my nipples.  Mmmm, that feels so much better. Daddy sits there and sucks my toes.  Yeah my legs were pushed that far back.  Mr. Suave tries to make me cum but Daddy told him that I have been trained not to.  Mr. Suave chose not to listen.  WHAT, did he just call me a “badd muthafucka"? LOL. I’m not “badd”, I’m disciplined.  Besides I dare not cum for another man.  I wouldn't even consider giving that satisfaction unless that is what Daddy wanted.   I smile when I look into Daddy's eyes and I can tell He is pleased that I didn't cum.  He kisses me and I feel so much confidence within myself.

I wanted to be a good slut for Daddy.  I felt honored that my Dom thought of me and wanted to share me.  I definately couldn't let Him down.   Mr. Suave fucked me and danced in my pussy while the whole time I kept my eyes on Daddy or either His dick in my mouth.  Ooooh, I'm trying so hard to get through this blog but with each memory I close my eyes and.....Mmmm. Daddy made me cum and I enjoyed every moment. <breaths in> <breaths out> <body shivers>  I thought my head was gonna spin around like that poltergeist bitch but it didn't.
I felt like Daddy was the main event and Mr. Suave was the opening act. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed him but no one compares to my Dom and the feelings I have when W/we intertwine.  Now at this moment I love that black bitch because she had my ass gaping for Daddy to enjoy. Had my ass open so that I can take ALL of Him inside of me.  I gave my all like I always do and Daddy was pleased. Daddy asked if enjoyed my surprise.  Yes I did.
I wish I could relive Saturday all over again just so that I can be in Daddy's presence.  Laying in the warm comfy blanket and sheets feeling like I was floating on a cloud.  Everytime I'm with Daddy it feels like the first time.  I mean I just don't know what to expect; every moment is pure splendor (hope that's the right word).  He never wants me to leave.  I never want to leave and one day I won't.  Once I build up the courage.  I dozed on and off to sleep, hoping time would go as slow as possible.


So here it is three days later and I still have shivers.  I need to find out if there is there anyone out there giving out new vertabraes? I mean seriously, my spine is all fucked up.

    

A Surprise from Daddy 12/11/2010

I am trying to decide if I want this to be an explicit blog or will I keep my sluttiness to myself.  I guess we'll just see how it turns out. 
I finally arrived to see my Dom the entire ride I was excited to see Him and I wanted to make sure I had learned and had become familiar with the new material He had given to me.  W/we said hello with a kiss.  Daddy wanted to walk and talk so that's what W/we did.  Chatted it up and discussed the things that were important. Before W/we got back to the car Daddy mentioned He had a surprise for me.  With Daddy you never know what to expect and just the thought of Him getting me a surprise made me feel hella good inside no matter what it was.  So, after that W/we jumped in the car and headed to the place where Daddy "got money" you know worked out so they say.  Didn't stay long and then headed to O/our resting place errrrrr ummmm, yeah I did get a little bit of rest so I'll keep that. 
Training time and time for me to get my punishment for not completing my task with "Black Bitch".  I really enjoy the pain I feel from pins.  Having Daddy clamp my pussy lips and clit then squeezing my clit felt so fucking good.  Pain is pleasure.  I know He enjoyed watching me squirm as I took the pain. Next was my anal training which I knew the moment would come soon enough when I could finally enjoy having my friend "Black Bitch" deep inside me.  Daddy was pleased at how much of a pain slut I was; taking it all.  Mmmm, the pins my clit is on fire, Daddy snatched them off, I wasn't expecting that and the pain.  As I sit here reliving the moment I wish I was feeling that pain all over again.  <sigh> next time.  Finished up with my deep throat training which I always love.  Now that I think about it, I love all my training and tasks that Daddy gives me. 
Daddy told me to get in the shower and when I did He left.  Just like that I started to miss Him.  Then a few minutes later I got a text asking how I liked my food.  Immediate smile on my face.  It's just the little things that show that He cares.  I stood there in my towel messing with my phone as I heard a knock on the door.  Huh, I know it's not Daddy cause He has the key, so who?  I see a man through the peep hole.  I call Daddy and He told me to open the door.  I paused when I shouldn't have and then I opened the door. 
In walked Mr. Suave.

To Be Continued....

Black Bitch "A Love Hate Relationship" 12/7/2010

So yesterday I got my new plug. Its bigger than my pink one but Daddy says it is time for me to move up a size.  I'm excited and ready to stretch my ass and make it gap for Daddy. 
First thing in the morning getting ready for work Daddy wants me to put my pink plug in until I get to work.  I get to work and leave the plug in. Almost made it to the middle of the day then my ass started to push the plug out.  I let Daddy know and gave me permission to remove the plug.  Daddy said it is time for me to start my training and wants me to go to the bathroom with my bag.  I complete my tasks with my pins and rubber bands.  My clit really enjoys being pinned.  Daddy says it is okay for me to go get my lunch. Chipotle.  I get back and get ready to eat my lunch. *looks at phone* Daddy wants to know where my new plug is. With me of course, so I grab it and head to the bathroom leaving my yummy Chipotle behind. Dag I didnt' even get one bite.
My task is to put the new black plug in and pull it out. I'm so excited I want to please Daddy and send Him a pic showing that I have completed my task.  I lube up and start to work the plug in. <time passes>  Hmm, this is taking longer than I thought. I told Daddy that I am still working the plug in so that He knows that I did not give up on my task. I send Him a pic to show Him the progress that I have made but it still wasn't all the way in. I tried pushing the plug but I continuously had no success. <time passes> I've been in this bathroom for a minute I know my supervisor probably wondering where I am.  Oww, my arm and wrist really hurts from pushing so much.  I sat on the side of the toilet pushed up against the stall. While all the time having to deal wit these folks coming in the bathroom dropping it like its hot.  Whatever I blocked them out, I just don't want to drop my plug and have it roll next to somebody's feet.  Still pushing, I just need a little bit more time to work it in. <time passes> battery flashing red what to do! what to do! Why did I just do that.  I had the audacity to ask if I could take a rest to charge my phone, eat, and rest my wrist.  WTF was I thinking, I should have known that was not going to fly. Daddy gave me a time to push it ALL in and before I knew it Time Was Up.  I receive my punishment.  I accept it. I thank Daddy for it.
Why is this happening to me, I really tried to please Him and complete my task.  Oww my shoulder blades are sore all because of this fucking plug.  I'm starting to think that I am not physically capable of putting it in.  That would mean that I am weak.  Hmph never that.  Daddy is disappointed in me because there is no reason why I should not have been able to put that plug in with all the anal training I have had.  I don't like this feeling.  I don't like feeling like I was not able to give Him what He needed unable to conquer a task and feel self gratification.  I head back to my desk and charge my phone for a bit.  Since I lost some privileges I decided to do some copying and filing so I wouldn't look like a crazy person standing at my desk trying to type.
Sigh, 4:30 I see everyone already left work.  Too bad I came late today so I have more time to kill. Hey, I'll take advantage of the situation.  The bathroom should be empty now.  Maybe if I complete this task Daddy will be pleased when He receives the picture.  Great, the bathroom is empty.  I take of my pants lube up get on the floor and try to push the black plug in.  What! Still no fucking success.  I keep working and working.  Daddy asked what I was doing.  I told Him I was still trying to complete my task.  I am really persistent and I don't like giving up.  I am on this bathroom floor on my hands and knees with my cheek on the ground trying to stuff an anal plug in my ass.  That pic would have made a good post card for "The Things Done At Work".  I just hope that the janitor sanitizes the floor everyday.  I'll survive. Still no success.  Time to go home.
I tried a few more times before going to bed but of course, No Success. Bitch!! I'm sore, I feel like I need a chiropractor and I think I have carpels tunnel in my right wrist.  I complete my punishment and go to bed.

Wake up, nothing new no progress, the only thing that has changed is my feelings towards this black bitch.  Why couldn't she just be where I wanted her to be.  IN MY ASS! Bitch!  I vent on Twitter to preoccupy my time and let the steam off but when I look at her I just want to say fuck you. Ok enough of that time to conquer her. Still no success.  Sigh, why me? Uggggh!  At this point my body is broke down I literally only have pain on the right side of my body. I am hungry.  Daddy said I made His dick hard from begging to eat.  At least I did something right.  He's not gonna make me suffer anymore and will train me with His own hands when I go up there this weekend.  I'm still going to be punished but I'm happy because I know Daddy will get it in. 
BLACK BITCH! Oh how I can't wait to have you all inside me.

Squirt 12/6/2010

I always get excited when Daddy gives me a task to complete wheIn I am at work.  Daddy wanted me to go into the bathroom and masturbate until I am about to cum then stop then put my plug in.  Keep the plug in until I get home and fuck both of my holes. Daddy also wanted me to stop and get a bigger plug before I got home.  I did exactly as Daddy instructed and sent Him a picture of the completion of the first portion of my task.  Daddy was pleased.
As usual when I got back to my desk I bounced and grind the plug in my ass waiting to get off of work to go to the toy store.  Soon as 4:15 came I ran out the building and jumped in my car excited to get a new plug.  I couldn't wait to see what the store would have.  I wish I had more time to go to the really nice store because they have more of a selection but the one around the corner from my house will do. 
Damn they only have one color black.  I wish they had my favorite color red.  The only red plug they have is bigger than my head, so I grab the black one and check out.  I am so excited I send Daddy a picture of my new toy.  Now I have to make my way home and finish the rest of my task. 
Daddy wants me to fuck myself by riding on my pink plug and using my vibrator unitl I cum.  Shadow man is in the basement playing video games so I have time to myself to complete my task. Damn this feels good.  I think its time to cut the vibrator on to stimulate my clit so I can cum really good for Daddy.  Damn! I need new batteries. I contemplated taking some batteries out of one of childs toys but I remembered there are some new ones in the basement. Yes, now I can complete my task. I'm sitting on my lil chair looking in the shower door mirrors while I put the vibrator to my clit. Mmmm. I almost fall over on the floor it feels so good.  I lean my head agains the wall and hold the vibrator on my clit.  Hold it, take it, Daddy said I can cum.  I feel this nut building up inside of me and release.  I open my eyes and I see a waterfall of nut gushing out.  I smile.  I take a picture for Daddy so that he can see the puddle of nut on the towel and on the inside of my thighs.  I feel good.

More Anal Training 12/2/2010

Today I was bored and restless.  Daddy said that when I get bored I can either blog, meditate, or read.  Off to the library I go.  I run out the house and pull off.  Oh shit, I forgot my bag so I have to circle around the block run back in the house and get it.  Got it! Im driving down the street when Daddy asks what I am doing.  I told him and he wants to know where my bag is.  I look at it, boy am I glad I remembered to go back and get it, I am never to be without. Daddy wants me to pull over and prepare myself for training.  I pulled to the end of the gas station and pulled my pants down.  Lubed up my ass and plug and put it in.  I moved over to the sex store parking lot where the lighting is dimmer.  Daddy wants me to open my ass and train my ass to prepare for fisting.  I take my plug out and lube my fingers up real good.  I start fucing my ass with one finger then slid in two.  Damn I should have cracked the windows my car smells like ass.  Mmm I love it the smell is turning me on.  I try to slide in three fingers, ouch I need more lube my nails are hurting me.  This ass is so tight.  I try to work it in, work past the tip.  Damn my nails, trying to work past the pain.  Fuck the aroma is driving me crazy, I lick and suck on my fingers. Sniff! Mmm. Sniff! Mmm. Sniff! Mmm. God damn I want Daddy gaping this asshole right now.
Well look at the time, I have to rush to the library and get some books since that was the main purpose of me leaving out.  Get my books and go home.  I keep smelling my fingers ooooh. I am sad when I have to wash my hands.  Sniff! Sniff! Sniff! All I get is Dial soap.

Close pins, lube, vibrator, anal plug Oh My! (Day 2) 11/27/2010

The next day I was ready and eager to do more training.  I couldn't wait for shadow man to go to the gym. After I took a shower and sat on the bed I text Daddy to let him know I was ready to complete my tasks for the day. Same routine I know what to grab. Clothes pins, check. Lube, check. Anal plug, check.  I squeeze and pinch and prepare my nipples to be pinched. Clip! Clip! Breath! Mmmm.
Damn I love the site of my tight little pussy. I clip my lips and rub on my clit. Pinch my clit and CLIP! That one gets me everytime. I practice my breathing. This time Daddy says I can use my vibrator. I grab that bad boy in a heartbeat. I start fucking myself with the dildo that I forget all about the pins and the pain. That is until he vibrator part hit my clit and clothes pin :-o have to reposition.

I smile whenever Daddy says Good bitch. He is pleased, now open that asshole up He says. I shiver. Yes, working my self all week I can now enjoy double penetration.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I lay on my back throw my legs up lube my ass and fingers to open that hole. I tried to push the plug in, no good. I take the dildo out my pussy and try to put the plug in, still not working. I stand up bend over and slide it right in. I lay back down and try to put the dildo in no success. POP! Damn the plug came out. I repeated a few times, now what. Then my mental light bulb went off.

I hobbled to grab my favorite chair (clothes pins still pinching) and went to the bathroom to proceed. More lube, slide plug in, grind on it slooow. Now time to slide the dildo in. Fuck, I have to keep moving around the angles so it will go in. Maybe if I scoot my ass to he edge of the seat (deep exhales) FINALLY! Damn my pussy muscles are tightening up. Snap! Snap! Snap! Good I got a picture for Daddy. Wtf this picture looks like a transformer. I send it, Daddy is pleased.

I have completed my task I ask Daddy if I could cum. Once permission was granted I bounced up and down on my plug while fucking myself with my vibrator. Up, down, up, down. I opened my eyes to see sooo much CREAM.

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Still Emotional

So I'm still feeling emotional right now. My Dom told me to just wait till next time to come see Him. I didn't even get a chance to explain that I had worked it all out. His word is final. I'm not even gonna talk back or act out. Just simply yes Daddy. Now I'm even more sad and the tears won't stop. I really hate being all emotional and feel like I need to get some things off my chest but I think talking about it would sound more complicated than it really is. Or isn't it? I have not a care in the world right now was jus laying here while I let my child cover my face wit my satin mask. I'm glad cause she couldn't see my tears. Then I figured I would blog again but I didn't really want to. What else no other outlet so hey.

I am really worried that He won't want me anymore because I have a lot with me so many obstacles. I need to distract my mind. I was thinking bout shopping but that is so wasteful. Tomorrow is $1 day at all the museums maybe I'll take my child and we can enrich our minds and learn something new.

Either way I cant stay where I'm at. I've been told to DO me now I have nothing to DO and nowhere to GO better yet nothing I WANT to DO at this point. I just wanted to GO to New York and DO what a good sub is supposed to DO.

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UGGGGGGH!

I am placed with so many obstacles that I have to overcome them.  When you really want something you make it happen but this time I haven't figured out a way yet.  I think when I get off of work I'm just going to crawl in my bed and go to sleep.  I'm feeling lower than low right nowand I am feeling the tears coming.  I don't like to cry in front of other people especially at work. I have to put on my straight face.  Everytime I don't get what I want I get bitchy and it's not PMS.  Eventhough my cycle has been going on for over a week.  UGH! I swear I hope my Dom does not think that I am unable to commit to him because of my obstacles.  Damn there goes the tears.  This is my life.
All I keep hearing in my head, you're a blessing and a curse.  That's what my Dom used to say to me. Right now I feel cursed when I should be blessed for everything that I have.  *sniffs*  My body temperature is finally coming down.  I was so mad I had to cut on the fan.  I really think one day I may spontaneously combust.  I need to learn how to stay calm.  But I still feel worthless *wipes eyes* Sometimes I just want to run away but I am not a quitter nor do I abandon those who NEED me.  But damn what about what I need.  Maybe I'm just acting like a 28 year old brat.  Is that possible?
I'm trying to focus on my meditation right now but when I close my eyes I just feel my heart thumping in my chest, it hurts.  These tears are making me upset even more, weakness. worthless.
Now I'm rambling.