PMS thoughts

Is it bad that I want to disassociate myself from this. Whatever this is. What is this. I don't like it. I don't want it.

I need a vacation but I doubt that will happen this year. Maybe 2014 😕😒😔

Thoughts

I want so much better; I want so much more. I need to obtain it. I have to keep striving 

Confession: trust is powerful. I trust everyone to be the person that they have shown me. I don't expect anything else. I'll trust a male before I trust a female. At least most men are upfront and disclose what their motives are. Females are sneaky. No one specific just my experience. Always seem to be true. I trust my intuition. 

I think I'll try to blog my confessions if insecurities and jealousies. Negative things that I never shared. Not for drama but to look at it from a positive angle. Well at least I'll try it for the rest of this week, then determine if I wish to continue.

I woke up with him on my mind. Instead of my usual smile from last memories, I felt a sadness. I wish he was here. Together. Comforting each other. 😢

Don't say can't

The place where I am at:

I won't do it.

Ignoring the fact that it's something that I want. Well something that I thought I wanted until my better judgement appeared.

That's when you have to tell yourself not to call for the okie doke. Having your mind trick itself into believing its all good when deep down its all wrong. 

Have to be stronger than that

Continuation

Looking forward to slowly walking back into training with him. I'm ready.

Once again I'm tired of "this". I suppose I'll feel differently in a couple days.

What is "this"?

Feel the heat

"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

Quote from one of my favorite movies. I'm not out here robbing banks. Sometimes it seems as though people can give you other things like trust and their heart. These people don't deserve them and they can easily walk out on it.

I don't want to be the taker or the giver.

Assignment

I desire/need for him to share with me.  Talk to me about randomness without me asking.  I desire to be in a relationship but I'm not sure if that falls within the two month list.  I've been reading and I've learned to accept that I don't set the timeline.  Things happen if they are supposed to happen when He wants them to happen.  So that is why I just leave things alone and just let things flow.  Rushing and forcing things before its ready can lead to chaos.  No foundation, which will cause it to crumble.  I don't want that to happen.  Needs?  I think I have more desires than needs.  Need is a strong word.  It seems as if I need something then I wouldn't be able to function without it.  Like I need water.  I don't think I want to feel this desperation or clinginess of being needy.  I desire.  However, in order for a relationship (no matter the dynamics) to sustain it needs certain elements.  I won't say that there is nothing that I need from someone but more so what we need.  Needs: cohesiveness, continuance of open communication.  Pretty much, I want to learn more about King as a whole.  Sometimes, I wish that he had blog's that I could read.

I guess I am pretty simple and I know that I am selfless in a lot of ways. I desire King to conquer the goals that he sets for himself.
Desires: I desire affection. Acknowledgement, not all the time but there have been times when I'm like "Dag, I feel like a side Jone" (I guess that's how those Philly cats spell it).  I can say it's not a big deal but I have felt some type of way once or twice.  Ehh.....and then I get over it.  Desire. I desire.
The later it gets I realize I can sum this up.
My desires from king all relate to an emotional stroke of some form.  My desires come from my heart.
My needs come from my brain.  They revolve around logical planning and thoughts of the future (mine or anyone else's).  Health, stability, habits, commitment, drive, goals, etc.  These are things that I need to know exist.

I can't believe that it is 2:53 AM.  Grrrrr, I blame Netflix.  Goodnight.

Manipulation: I don't like it

The tiniest of seed planted during the proper season, in the perfect location, can manifest tremendously. 

Obviously, I'm in I don't trust that broad mood today.

I need cheesecake fantasy to make me happy right now. I'm trying to get those Angela Basset abs tho. ACCESS DENIED! She is so beautiful. 

Exercising clears my thoughts. I'll jog after work. 

Private Thoughts

When did my bDsm blog become my diary. Shoot, I need a release. I wonder if I can block people from reading. Let me stop. *sighs* they probably lost the link anyway. Hopeful. Lol. I'm a mess. 

Anywho. I guess it's all intertwined but what stands in the forefront has shifted it's tone. One can only respect and love it. It's just the direction I am being pulled. I have to submit to it. 

Simmer then bring to a broil. Cover and reduce heat

I feel like she is provoking me. Out of respect I ignore it. At times I lose focus and my tongue gets slick. I need my hands slapped. I think it's best to remove MYSELF from the situation.  I'm not up for the BS. 

In all things

Trusting

How did I end up so vulnerable. Only prayer and His guidance will protect me. 

In the tub thinking

I miss him. 

I'm not referring to physical presence (although I do) but mostly mental. Spiritual. 

There has been many Sundays where I wanted us to attend service together. My ideas/plans don't work out that way. 

Meeting my family and friends. Well, mainly my best friend an my dad. Shoot, I can barely catch up with MY dad. I was glad he even answered the phone today and I got to talk to him. 

People that are important to me. 

I miss out discussions and our questions for each other. I could initiate that more. 

I'm just wondering 

Self Control

Self Control?  Do some people lack it or do they use excuses not to use it? Sex and self control.  At first I had doubts that I had much control over my sexual activities but I meditated and realized I willingly give in.  Internally, I have been struggling with my desires.  I've had that problem in the past.  I have certainly made decisions or planned my day or weekend around activities where the main event was fucking.  "Oh what are you doing this weekend?" My response, "Hanging out with so and so." which clearly means, I'll be fucking all weekend so Do Not Disturb.  My friends know me to well.  Crazy cause they are all "trained" to not call.  Unbelievable. *sighs*

I feel boring now like I'm lacking excitement.  I don't want to think that because I am not participating in sexcapades is the reason that I'm feeling this way.  I mean I am having an awesome time taking myself out but I need an adrenaline rush.  Maybe if I bungee jump or repel down a tower I'll feel that again.

I used to think that I had a sexual addiction but in reality I have an adrenaline addiction.  Just that some sex is fun, taboo, casues pain & leaves marks, exciting, thrilling, etc.  Anal sex is always fun.  Oral sex is always enjoyable on men and women :-D 

I've been trying to read and redirect my focus from the physical in a relationship.  Reading about lust, dating vs. courting, and religion.  Trying to maintain control and not let it be in the forefront.  But I like sex.  If I had my way I would be on my knees every day. Begging. Pleasing. Satisfying.  Is that too much? Sometimes I think that makes it old. Routine.  -_- I remember my ex told me when the discussion came up, he would tell all the other husbands that he never had a lack of sex problem at home.  Ha!

In all honesty, I force myself to maintain control because I have no one to lose control on. The problem is not gone. All it takes is a simple spark . Pandora's box is reopened.

I wanted him to make love to me but he treated me like the slut that I am

Old Post (October 28, 2012)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm enough.

Old Post (August 2012)

Looking at my pics in my phone and I am think of the memories that we have. The firsts that we created.  The steps to build levels of trust.  The time to observe and understand the other person is not short.  I am ready to be patient and invest.

Old post (July 9, 2012)

I am slowly finding out things about Him that I did not know. It just makes me appreciate even more every little thing He does. The meaning behind an act. Words aren't just words. There is a purpose. A purpose that I have patience to find out what it is.
He is here through the not so good. His energy calms me and I am at peace even long after our time together has ended. I leave Him refreshed. Life.
I listen to every word. You are more to me than just sex.

So much has changed

Not the inspiration I wanted

Just read her blog and I remember how I did not exactly trust her.  Well maybe I should not use the word trust.  I'll say, I thought she had motives that she refused to confess, even when confronted.  I never got the answers to my questions but I truly believe that my intuitions were right.  They could be wrong. I don't know.  I am almost tempted to text her and bluntly ask her. Instead, I put my phone down.  No need to rustle feathers.  It is pointless.  Yet still, I have to know if was right.  Just knowing that I read her and the situation correctly.  Again, why in the heck should I care now.  After all of this time, it makes no matter to me.  But it does, because if I didn't care, I wouldn't be thinking or writing about it.  Well at least I am not obsessing over it like I was at first.

But why? Why did I read her blog.  Initially, I thought it would give me some type of inspiration or move me into a direction to write my own blog.  (not what I imagined). Instead, I remembered all of the old feelings and ideas from when her writings were published.  -_-

I was instructed to write a blog but I am not sure what to write about.  I have been so selfish and not sharing my experiences over the past year.  I have a number of experiences that I could  blog but I don't want to share those.  So that leaves me blank.  There are so many things going on right now.  So many things that I am trying to get accomplished.  Top priorities are a promotion at work, find a new residence, and reach for a better quality of life while planning for my future.

Future! What is in the cards for my future?

Random thought

I truly feel the day I had my accident a new person emerged. Better yet, my true self was freed. I worry less, stress less. Focus on things with greater importance versus tripping off dumb shit. Live my life with no worries of criticism and/or judgement. I just have a different perspective and approach situations differently after that day. *reflecting* I'm a better person

Big Red does it Big

I always fantasized about masturbating with a dildo at my desk. I used my hand, a bullet, and a plug but I never took my regular sized dildo to work to fuck myself at my desk. Bathroom dildo fuck, yes. Desk no. :-D I am bad.
As king instructed I took my stockings off at my desk. I admit I was hesitant because I had on colored tights and if one of my colleagues saw me they would have noticed that they were not on. I stood up at my desk and pushed my tights down from the top of my skirt. Sat in my chair and pulled them down and off from underneath my skirt. My panties were already off from when I edged in the bathroom earlier.
I was excited, shy, and blushing like an innocent virgin.
I closed my eyes and imagined Him whispering into my ear as He gave the instructions to "fuck my cunt" over the phone. I slid big red inside inside of me and turned on the clit stimulator. I pushed "big red" in deep so I could feel the bottom. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and I heard my coworker talking. As he talked, his voice became louder and I knew he was coming in my direction.i figured he would walk past me and go to another cubicle but if course he came to see me. Yikes! Thank goodness my lap was covered. Luckily my muscles did not drop or push the dildo onto my floor. He handed me some paper work an advised the client was waiting up front. I old King. i had to go and we burst into laughter. Damn. I don't have on any stockings, panties or shoes. Once he left I pulled the dildo out and hid it. I put my stockings on and made sure no one was watching me when I pulled them up over my ass. Put back on my booties and acted like I wasn't just at my desk fucking my cunt like a good slut.

Text turned blog

I WANT to feel your hands hitting me hard. I WANT to feel you warm my skin with your urine. I don't want this from being disobedient, I want it just because. I want it because i like it. Really I love it and I know you enjoy it as well. I like wondering what you have planned. The excitement. The adrenaline. The fear of not knowing but at the same time knowing I am safe. I love how you hold me afterwards. Stroking my hair and kissing my lips. Smiling and taking pictures of my fiery red ass. :)
Recovering....
I prepare the shower for us and continue to serve you. Washing you. I smile when I clean the areas that would normally be hard for you to reach. I spend a little extra time there. I don't mind taking care of you in that way. It pleases me. Taking care of you in any way. Supporting you. Being there when I can. Not because of any benefits to myself but because I want to. <3 <3

Hungry

Served up the way a King is supposed to be. Feeling you grow in my mouth. The harder you get the wetter Ms Kitty gets. The wetter my mouth gets. Feed me.

I am his and I WILL obey.
There are times when I feel defiant. There are times when I feel sassy. I play and joke but I never want to humiliate him in private or in public. Bottom line I respect him. I listen and digest all that he says to me. Even though sometimes it may seem like I'm not getting it or I missed something. When actually that is not the case.
I know what I am and what I am not. I know what role I have and the ones that I don't. I know that I am his and I know that I will obey.