Errr...

Well that didn't help much walked out of yoga class still thinking I can't. I feel a need some sense slapped into me. Like really slapped hard as shit. Bitch quit the pity party

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*hangs head in shame*

*sigh* my self esteem, self confidence, self perception, sex appeal is so low. I think that in order to be a sub/slave one should not have these insecurities. So now I am questioning if I deserve to be submissive. I must be a real drag around other people. When folks give me a compliment I analyze their words sp much that either I think they are lying or they are talking out the side of they neck. This week has been crazy but nothing has been helping but the gym thank goodness its yoga today. Will help me clear my mind.
I feel a big knot in my stomach right now. Absolute worst. I just hope he doesn't get tired of this.

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Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

I keep telling myself that I am beautiful; that is what He tells me. So why the fuck do I keep comparing myself to other chicks. Caring what other people think. It shouldn't even matter.
Some days I feel beautiful some days I don't. Some days I feel sexy some days I don't. I should feel this way all the time. My heart is kind and sincere, matter of fact I'm too damn nice but that is just me. Point is I'm not thinking of the inside right now. Ugh this week is really messing me up. I know that I need to just meditate and keep my mind clear of these poisonous thoughts. The gym will make feel better. Thirty more minutes to clock out time then I will forget these silly thoughts...Until tomorrow.

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I need Him so much right now :-(

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Physically Tired

I am just drained so tired from work. Eventhough I didn't have to go to work today I am preparing myself for a long night to get my work done and meet this deadline tomorrow. I can't wait for the weekend. That's when I can relax and have some fun before I have to do it all over again. I hope I can stay awake to get this project done. *sips on coconut water*

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Where is cumslut?? (in walks painslut)

So for the past couple of weeks my mind has been redirected to different types of pain that I want to feel. Caning being one of them. I found a fetish store n Baltimore solely dedicated to BDsM toys and supplies. My eyes opened and my mouth dropped when I first walked in. I just walked back and forth admiring all the whips, paddles, floggers, canes, and crops. I wanted to glide my hand along the wall but didn't do so cause I felt I needed permission to touch the tools of pain and pleasure eventhough they had no owner. I did however touch one of the canes and slid my fingers down the length and was turned on by the smoothness. I wanted to buy the cane and present it to Master to beat me with but I pulled back not knowing if I'm ready for it. Master will know when His slave is ready. I moved past the masks and collars and again my mouth dropped. The speculum. W/we talked about this instrument may be getting one soon
:) I didn't find the paddle that I was originally looking for but the store made up for it. It feels like my body is in constant want of pain and wants to push past my limits and then push past those.
Hmmm painslut. Damn I'm gonna need another pair of (alter ego) glasses :p

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A Gift for Master

I surprised Master with something that he expressed that He wanted. Master now has rope and a book for Him to study the art. I think I was equally excited buying it as Master was receiving it. Can't wait for Him to excel. That same day the first time He used it I was thinking Damn! He is a pro already :-D amazing. When I felt the red rope go around my ankles I felt I smile come across my face. Til next time...

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Making Progress

I keep seeing images on tumblr of females getting fisted.  I want that so bad and I know Master wants the same as well.  The other day Master said that during our training session He had half of His fist inside of my ass.  At the time I didn't even realize it.  I remember feeling pleasure and pain but I didn't want Him to stop.  How wet my pussy was getting and I kept licking my lips wishing I could have been face fucked at the same time.  *smiles* I just remembered the night Master allowed me to fist myself to see how many fingers I could do.  That was beautiful.  I still have a love/hate relationship with black bitch because I can't get her in only Master has. Ugh that bitch. Sometimes when I'm training I spit on her cause she makes me mad and then I suck all my juices off cause I love the way she feels when she is inside of me.  Well mostly inside of me but either way I like how she stretches my ass.  When told I will keep training and keep progressing so that one day I will be at the point He wants me to be.

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No questions asked

When Master tells me to do something I try not to question it I just do. At some point He will tell me the purpose or I will figure it out. Then I'm like Ohhh Master's mind is always thinking ahead. Makes me appreciate His mental more each time. Damn He is creative :-)
No questions asked because I trust that I will never be hurt or put in a position that I am not comfortable. Everything has a purpose.

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No Turning Back 3 of 3

Like the songs on my playlist: 'Every Thought Is You', 'Fact Is', 'So High', and so on.  I picked them all for a reason.  Of course 'Discipline' was a song dedication from Master :-)

Text sent to Master a few weeks ago: ...EVERY moment Your slave is thinking about You. When Your slave is sleep and when she is awake.  The thoughts of You consume Your slave.  Your slave wakes up and just lays in bed imagining that You are here or she is there.  Your slave takes You wherever she goes.  You are in Your slave.  In her mind, heart, and her spirit...

With Him my insecurities dissapear.  With Him my negative self perceptions fade away.  None of these miniscule things matter.  Being beneath Him my only concern is pleasing Him and satisfying Him.  Not only physically but mentally as well.  I always enjoy O/our conversations.  I keep thinking back to the beginning and how I read from other slaves how they're servitude and relationship with their Master ended up more than a BDsM relationship.  In the beginning...I didn't think this far but as time went on I saw it.  I mean really when you give someone all your trust knowing they will never harm you.  Care for you as you care for them.  RESPECT.  This is the true epitome of a "give and take relationship".
Standing naked outside. Uninhibited. Wanting to remain free.  Once I had tasted it I knew there was no turning back.  Submissive.  Knowing my place. Humble. Continuation is what I crave.  And the fact that I am His makes it all so much better.  *sigh* sitting here listening to Jill Scott, thinking of Him.  I really want to just cry from being so Happy.  Even on a bad day just the thought of Him, His smile makes it all go away.  His words calm me.  His voice alone sends shivers through my body.  I know He expects the best from me and He deserves the best and that is what I want to/will give.
It's funny I was married for a few years and I feel more joy now than I ever have and I have been a submissive for a little over six months.  But I don't want to compare the two relationships because they are completely different.  Bottom line is I am happy and knowing that Master is pleased and satisfied fulfills me.  CONTENTMENT!

I feel like W/we really can take over the world :p

The Beginning 2 of 3

Thinking about the beginning.  The very first time communication was ever exchanged.  The first time I tiptoed on barb wire and stepped out of my box of "societal norm".  No safety net.  I was interested in Him.  Not of the flesh but of the knowledge.  I thought He could teach me something; that I could learn something from Him.  His mind intrigues me.  I wasn't wrong. 
My list of first time experiences are growing with Him.  He was the FIRST to introduce me.  Spark my curiosity.  Fed me with what He knew and had me wanting more.  Hooked like a fish on a bait.  Open wider, more than ever before.  His little pupil already obeying.  And to think all the time I was wasting being unhappy when I could have been redirecting my energies towards greatness.  That's okay, I'm better now.  I am where I am supposed to be.  It's natural I breathe this, I eat and sleep this.  There is no turning back. No going back to the way it was.  That point is gone.  Servitude has become my daily routine.  It is my life.

An Uhappy Woman 1 of 3

In the beinning I was a woman with sexual desires that were surpressed.  Trying to fit the mold of a traditional wife do things that I thought were EXPECTED and ignored my wants.  Unhappy!  In the beginning I was a woman that was bored, unsatisfied, and felt incomplete.  Worried about what others thought feeling pressured to uphold the image of the model "black love" family all my friends envied.  Perfect picture fraternity guy marries sorority lady, house, careers, two kids, and don't forget the dog.  What more could you ask for? Happiness! Completeness! More! Something was missing.  When the unhappiness set in the bitterness and the lack of interest grew.  Still I struggled with worrying about what everyone else would say.  So I stayed.  Then one day it all came to a head.  The bitterness ended.  The lack of interest was redirected.  BDsM. Captured my mind. 
And then I made the choice to walk down a different path leaving the vanilla world behind.  Beginning anew with Him.

Humbled

Sitting on the bathroom floor shirt soaked hair dripping wet. Liquid running between my breast. Whore written all over my face smelling pissy.
Getting ready for the shower taking my tee off and having the smell rubbed back in my face.
Starring, starring, starring.
I keep fucking up.
*He says no shower *
Sitting and the dripping stopped. My hair soaked it all up. Ugh! I smell like a bum sitting on the back of the bus with an all day pass. Just sitting in their own stinch going over and over how they ended up at this point.
Starring not looking into my eyes but at my face. WHORE! I am a whore. His whore.
A stream of warm liquid runs down my face.
humbled.

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