Think before you speak

I ask the questions I ask for a reason. I had to tell my friend yay the other day. He said Oh! Really? I am always thinking. Good thing is I am better at controlling my thoughts. My paranoia seemed to have slowed down some but it's still there. Lately instead of upsetting myself and over thinking and assuming and creating logical what-it's. I ask. Every word is chosen carefully. Same as if I am asked a question, I think before my answer is given. Now if I can just work on my strategies and smash my opponents in words with friends I'll be all good :)

Ahhh

Talking to another person in the lifestyle and I realized I am such a queen. Smh all I can do is laugh at my silly ass. I need balance.

Selfless

I thought I was being a good friend but I guess all I did was cut the chord. This isn't what I wanted. Not for it to be this extreme.
I am so green right now. Her words cut me every day but I never say anything. Everyday they pop up I'm scared to read them but I do. Why, because how else would I know anything. Then once I obtain the knowledge it fuels me. I try to use it in a positive way but that goes not rewarded. Then it turns to a river of emotions. Fear, pain, and hurt. Tears. I always say it is too much. Why am I going through this. Do I honestly want to? Do I need to? It's a catch 22. I really think she is selfish her words ring of a person that wants what they want not caring for other individuals. Not sacrificing. At the end of the day I respect what I did and everyone and they momma know that is not what I wanted but it's not about me. That's what real friends do. They help wanting nothing in return; just because. *sighs* still her words hurt. I'll get over it. Maybe if I didn't open them and stopped reading them. ......but I can't tho. Smh

That doesn't mean you can

I am a submissive but that doesn't mean that I want to submit to every man that I encounter. The past month I have had a few things said to me my friends/associates in reference to them dominating me O_o Pump the brakes. Hold up. Where the fuck did that come from and who authorized it. Not I. Shit is crazy. Now all of a sudden; I mean there were always other Doms blowing up inboxes but now it's vanilla dudes. I thought about the idea and even asked Him but at the end of the day I don't want to give anyone that power. Not now at least. If that action was to take place it would have to go through Him and I would be obedient to Him at the end of the day. I think it began when I received a call and on the other end I heard a bitch being dominated and used. I enjoyed hearing her sounds but it made me sad. The reason that I enjoyed it was because I wished it was me being played with by Him and I was the one whimpering and squirming. I smiled as I remembered but then I became sad cause it has been so long. I believe the following day a friend was pushing up on me and I had to tell him straight up "look you can't do what my best friend does for me and the man that will end up in my life will have to be able to fulfill me in the way that I want and need". He really hassled me till I sent him a link on domination and submission. The. Maybe an hour later he asked me the dumbest question in the world. Two hours later I was still explaining why that wouldn't work. Three hours later the first questioned asked became the second finest question cause the question he asked was now number one dumbest. Smh. Unreal I can not give away something that belongs to me. I appreciate his eagerness to understand and I know why he did it but I also know why it won't work. There are just way too many things that he "is not into". Therefore, brill continue to think of how much I feel like a worthless little cunt. What is my purpose? What am I doing? Could I be in a vanilla relationship again. Of course I can but I won't be happy. Pft. Why can't I link up with some kinky people that intrigue me. Some days I feel unprotected and neglected. Other days my phone is going crazy from dudes wanting me to do what I enjoy doing. Pleasing. Mentally most miss the mark and it can damn sure be missed physically as well. Still not satisfied. Most days I just want conversation that would be enough to keep this slut happy. I don't even get that. I guess I don't deserve it. I must have did something wrong somewhere. -_- Hell I did a lot of things wrong ha, but shit. I keep it honest and everyone knows what they are getting when they deal with me they shouldn't expect anything else. Or is it that I give too much and in return much is expected.

I have so many ideas in my head that I want to live out. I feel so unable to fully bring them to life at the current moment. For whatever reason. Possibly because I am not surrounded by enough people that think like me. Regardless I'm going to do me. Express myself when I can. Something is still missing tho. Well until I figure it out I'm going to live out my fantasies by myself. See how much fun it will be dragging my vanilla friends into my kinky thoughts. I already asked my friend to record me being naughty on the metro train. Originally the idea I had was for me to do it in New York but that may not happen so I will live it out here. I can't wait. There are some things I want to do I don't think the other person will fully appreciate my art work; the thought process behind the whole act. Those thoughts I'll throw in the freezer until a later date.