Today was a good day. 

Being unhappy with or how you feel about yourself is a sure way to jack up your mood.  No one can say or do anything to change that. 

Pft, the waterworks.  Gospel music brings on more tears. 

All I want to do is lose weight and go on a vacation.  I didn’t think it would be so hard to achieve either of these but seems like the more I put effort into it the further the goal seems to be.

So bogus!!!

The Perception of my Reflection

I feel like some shit. Poo!

I want to be back to feeling beautiful and feeling sexy. Disregarding what others think or say about my physical, I want to feel like it. 

Far away

The distance freaking sucks. 

I don't even know where to begin.

To he continued......

This has been a busy time the past couple of weeks. Productive but very busy. At the end of the day I feel fulfillment from all that I have done with only one thing left to do; get in the bed. My reading has been limited.  At the end of my night and when I awake my thoughts are of Him. I miss Him terribly.

Last night was unusual. I can recall feeling like that once before with my ex.... I just didn't want to be touched by Him. I really wanted my mood to change and to enjoy the time with Him but my thoughts made me unaroused. It irritated me further.  My heart had me turned on but my brain turned me off.

This morning I was able to think clearly and enjoy Him.

I don't know...

Today I was thinking that I may need space or time to myself for awhile.  But I haven't fully thought out what that would resolve. To be honest I'm already by myself and I don't see how that would change anything.  The other option is mental and emotional break. I really believe that once that is severed there is no going back from that. I just know right now. I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'm not happy with the output from my behavior. My actions.

I don't know if its doubt. Maybe fear. Or possibly trust. Could be all three or none. I just know that I really care and love Him. Yet still, something is "off". Some variable has changed or have I changed. 

Keep thinking about who could I talk but damn there really isn't anyone I feel comfortable to talk to. Uhh. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow in a better, happy, mood and would have forgotten about the past week or so. Just start fresh.